upkeep

All in all, it is not going very well...

I decided to get control of the obstacles I have obtained. Next time it will be different and more organized. I do not know what I was doing wrong? Was it work? Was it play? Or was is simply me pushing things to the last minute? I know it was it was me all this time that I could have done something. Making sure I was doing the right thing at the right time.

Next time it will be different. This time I am truly serious. This time I will control my actions.
Maybe this break will help me stay organized. Stay focus on my true calling without interruptions. Without my lack of motivations. That is always my problem. My need to keep my motivation. If I just went the extra mile and do things as it says or do things at advance or even do things as it comes. I would be fine. I would be sitting on a better feeling at the end of the semester. I would be able to not worry. Last time was not too bad. I stressed. I complained. I whined for things to fall into place and it did. What is the difference between then and at this moment?

This failure has hit me like a frate train, and it has kicked me in the ass. Beaten me up to make me realize that this isn't all play anymore. This is part of a harder life to come. I stress about the things as the happen, but do nothing about it. That could be my flaw. That is my other problem...yes. Next time it will be different.

How is that I can write my organized thoughts so easily, but when it comes to the organized my thoughts to write an essay...

Je ne sais pas

My body sits here waiting...just waiting for something to happen. My work to be done, my reading to be through, my life to fall into place. I know nothing will happen unless I DO something about it! How is it that when I am in the environment of study, my motivation for fulfilling my duties are thought of over and over again. As soon as I am out of the circle of "real-life preparation," I want to push it back. I figure it is because I have other obligations to uphold and the latter does not matter as much, but I see that when time is due, I rush and over look the details...I am fucked.

I need some assistance to guide me the right direction.

a fight worth fighting?

I feel that this is all a waste of time. Time and time again, I question if all this hard work is worth the effort I put into it? I am here trying to live everyday with the rules they have for me. It's just been causing me to give up and say fuck it and want to leave. Oh, how easy that everything works out. I am still a little bitter from the request that was decline so abruptly without one ounce of consideration. I tend to hold a grudge, I tend to act as if I was a child. I cannot help the fact that the world gives me more respect than they do. How sad that the people that are suppose to support you in every way seem to lack the one that matters the most. Because of them I am never going to be able to support myself. Because of them, nothing was the slight bit happy in my awkward stages. Because of them, I can look at expression and understand what the person is feeling. Because of them, I am careful who I become friends with. Because of them I have stayed out of trouble from the law. Because of them I have a roof over my head. Because of their non-American rules, I will live my life to the fullest when I am able to just live and let live.

School...

Autunno Joli

Eating when one is not hungry can have dyer conquences. Learning French, writing like a historian, reading, and seeing into minds...this is all I am doing for this semester. I can sense it being very demanding and hectic. I am behind on my reading and work. I need to get with it before it's too late. I rather do good this semester. I run on coffee.

Them

Everything has to be so complicated when it comes to the life I live. Everything has to be black and white with them. Everything has to follow the guidelines when it has been outdated and they are the only ones that follow them. Even their own blood doesn’t follow the rules anymore. Why keep doing what they are doing when it’s been broken time and time again. Traditions, traditions, traditions! They should realize that life is different shades of gray.

It’s not fair to him that he follows and tries his best to conform and respect our culture, and you don’t try to even open your eyes at least once. I am as sick as you believe me. If you only knew the repression you put me through everyday of my life since I was old enough to think for myself then you will understand a bit.

This is one sided. I am extremely upset. The only way to make me feel better is a night’s rest. They haven’t given me the last straw, yet. I keep thinking that if I fight quietly, I will get through to them. It is not a war that I can ever win. I want to quit, but I do from time to time. Then regain some strength, but I get weak with the tears that females can’t control sometimes.
I wonder if I am wrong.

~~~~~
I have since calm down. Close-minded people bother me. I do not want to be like them.

Events

How do you reflect on your feelings when words cannot describe in full depth the meanings of the conjunction of events that happens to you?

How do you stop being a terrible person when all you can do is be yourself?

How do you, then, tell someone your true feelings about the events that are happening?

Answers to these questions do not fix anything. It is one of those many adventures in life that makes it inconsistent. It is when you do one thing and the outcome is to lose another, so your solutions is to keep your mouth shut. Press on. And deal.

I say time and time again, I hate the dealing and I want an end result to be the best. When I gain something I want, there is another "wanting" that causes to me to want to lose what I wanted in the first place. Comprenez-vous?

Wanting less is never going to happen…What I want now…let’s see…

I want things to calm down. I want everything to fall in it’s place whether they become something negative or not.

What I hate most is things being up in the air…this used to happen more often than not when I was younger and going through my dating phase as a teenager, of course. I hated guys not able to decide…some were trying to be “good” guys and tell me indirectly whether it be a cold shoulder or telling me they wanted to become friends. (um, thanks, disappointed, but after the first day, it doesn't matter, and the excitement for you are dead). Of course they were vain and thought that their attention for me was important when obviously I could move on faster than they could because girls can move through the opposite sex faster than guys can because apparently most guys still don’t have the guts to talk to us. (Not in a slutty way of course). Being an asshole and telling the truth of their non-interest in me was more appealing, and I wanted them to do that because then we wouldn’t be wasting each others time because I didn't plan on dying alone.
Then there are the ones that does like you, but feels that there are better out there…well okay buddy…that’s why after I realized what you were doing and we broke it off, you came back wanting another chance. Right...

Well, that rant was not what I meant in the first place when I said I wanted things to show its outcome…it involves too much information that no one can catch up unless they have time and been there from the beginning.

OH look at me, I am complaining like a teenager with my blog…well if I was to inform people about the good things in my life then I would be bragging because life is great right now.

choix

I have become immune to this type of repression ever since I could remember. They are supposed to be supportive and willing to help and change the livelihood of ones mistakes. And be there in times of need for physical and emotional troubles one cannot learn fully on ones own. I am more alive now because I learn to lick my wounds and deal. I build my character. How hard it is to split ones mind into two separate lifestyles with finesse, but make sure it doesn’t interfere with the other. O woe is me. I rather deal with the struggles of adulthood because then I can only get mad at myself for not being responsible enough or didn‘t try hard enough.

It’s hard work being me, but I suppose it’s not as bad as the person that reads this, but don’t you get sick and tried of hearing others’ troubles? I don’t anymore because everyone has to deal and make decisions on his or her own, but me…I make choices base on how it would effect the Rents. Some choices, to them, seems like I do not think it clearly through, but that is because they wanted me to choose their way. Oh, the day I am out of this house. It will never happen until I learn to stop acting like a teenager when I am in their presents.

I come to the conclusion I am immature to the Rents because I am never good enough. Everything I do is too modern. Too American. I also, have resentment to them from my childhood that I became aware of years ago after I was out in the world of JOB. And I despise their mannerisms and their opinions because they are of people I hate. People I wish would open their eyes to new ideas even if they don’t agree. They should at least listen and consider and respect then walk on with their life with that in mind or drop it, but not present their idea as better. In truth, not one idea is better than the other. It all depends on the person and the person’s lifestyle. Their ignorance is the product of their lack of knowledge in this informative world. Oh boo on them.

Opened up my mailbox to receive something exciting and there it was, my W magazine with Victoria and David Beckham on the cover. Oh joy is me!

Something intriguing about old Posh. She’s not quite beautiful. Something about her face that is unique. Good bone structure, I am not sure. Whatever.

So what happen to the enjoyment of getting on MySpace now-a-days? Everybody seem to have lag on their pages to the point where is it frozen. Everyone used to write awesome blogs to entertain me from the start, middle, and end of my days. I am sure as hell, I haven’t done much either. Maybe I am a little tired of dressing up to look like I did not try to look good…or I am no longer creative and have anything witty to write. My observations seem to be more one sided these days. I rather keep my mouth shut.

BUT keeping my mouth shut has caused me more harm than good in the past couple of months. I have given up on making my intelligence known, or maybe I have more dumb myself down. For you see, I have spent less and less of my time with my friends because our schedules clash with me working and them with their working and schooling. (Yes, my friends are highly intelligent!) I try to change the patterns, but it seems harder to do now. I wonder if this will become the norm as the months goes on. I suppose my days will be cut short during school for every party in my life since I will be taking a work load at school. I WANT TO BE DONE.

Long awaited Harry Pottery book is coming soon! This Saturday! Yes, I will be reading. I suppose it will take me a whole day, well maybe two. Depends on how thick the book is…but that won’t matter will it? Yes, I am a dork.

Since working at STAPLES, I have felt less despressed because I am doing something this summer. Of course, less time spent with my friends, but we are all so busy. I haven't really tested the Rents and stayed out at wee hours in the morning.
Yes, I am a legal adult who can purchase tobacco and alcohol...but I am Asian.

What does that mean?

Well, to make a story short without any detail. I cannot move out of my house until I am married, and (to add more) it does not matter what age you are in a traditional Asian household, you will always be a child who cannot take care of herself. Ha!

As a teenager, I wanted nothing less than to test them and longed to move out of the house. Now, I realize that they have won. I give up until I feel like going out again. It seems that it took them five years...I will do as they please...but not to the full extent. I am an Americanized Asian, who likes the idea of being away from family and visit every once in a while like all you Americans do.

At the age of sixteen, I got a job and worked my ass off, then I stopped.
I wish I never stopped...

A Mother's LOVE

Long over due for some creative outlook. I want to create, to do something, but since the lack of funds have stopped me from going out; I learn to "live without it." It was hard to "live without it" at first, but when I know that it's for the better and I am better off, I calm myself down to believe that it's going to be fine because I will gain all that I lost in due time.
Life could be better. My significant is the better. The Rents is the could be...to make it better. I tend to do this a lot when I have a night to rethink the things that has happened during the day. I suppose it is my "historian" complex. To me and a lot of others out there. My mother is embarrassing. I cringe on the day my mom meets other people that are important in my life or will be important in my life. Let us say that I was in an important meeting and my mother was with me...she would make me lose my chances to landing a good job/career. OR I would raise my voice at her, or something in my annoyed face and voice I normally get with my mother would have a negative effect on my image I try to portray. This may seem fake, but in reality, it is another side of me, just like you. Sometimes I wonder if I am like her. Sometimes I dread becoming like her. A mother is supposed to be your hero. Your salvation. Mine is a person I do not want to become and I would not like to befriend. I must sound like disrespectful daughter...I could be. I would be if I didn't do everything she says about her friends' children.
I rather have her talk shit about me than praise me for we all know the reasons.

That was a little negative, I apologize.

A few months ago as I was looking through a Domino Magazine (it's a home decor magazine), I stumbled upon this crafty calendar that was hand made by this woman named Diana Fayt. I fell in love with it, but was too late into ordering it on line because of it's limited supply. Supply and demand...she and a few others, I suppose, made them all by hand. That's amazing...so tonight...well this early early morning, I have made my own calendar with my own hands. I step back and see that I did a not so bad job. Ah yes, I needed something to look back at and be proud of myself...I like making things. I like creating. I also like to organize.

Sometimes I look at Nancy and see what I could have become if I just kept at it. I have been decent at drawing and art. Maybe I was above average in the art classes, or at least I was noticed by my art teachers of my potential. I get above average, lose my motivation and quit as I pick up something else I want to be above average at. Another flaw of mine...I need to stick with one thing, work at it and be amazing in it THEN move on to the next project...

Well, I think more of my problem is, I want to do everything and ....whatever, I am a quitter. AND it's not as if the job or task gets hard...I just start feeling like I have mastered it enough to get by and feel I should move on. . . I can only imagine I could be GREAT at something.

I long to know what I will be great/wonder/excellent at.

sans sommeil

I have fallen into my unsleepable pattern again. It is late in the morning and I am still awake. I plan to stay up until tonight. I will not be able to get back up if I fall asleep...

Lack of sleep...

Many things have arise, well a conjunction of other things that did not matter to me until now. Number One: I have no job. Unemployment causes lack of funds, which makes lack of fun. Not much time spend with friends means no fun because I am unable to spend money on playtime/play places. With no money, I spend a lot of time with my significant other, which makes me look like a clingy girlfriend...I am not. (Wondering if this will make any sense when I have gotten some sleep).

Nostalgia:
As a child of five, I would try to make myself sleep by staring at the ceiling, talking to myself in my head. I would not say I was crazy because many of you have done it and will not admit, or you just do not remember that far back. I like to think that I had an active brain that functioned like an adult, but that idea changed, as I got older. Today, I stress about the present...as a child...I did not want to die. Yes, I remember that far back.
When young children realize they exist, and there is a difference between life and death, I didn't want to die. I wanted to live. I knew I was too young to go. I felt I was destined for something more then the ceiling of my room in the three-story apartment building. I was going to be someone great...my decedents were pieces of great people and I was the finished puzzle to attack the world. A female of all sorts. In my culture, we believe in recarnation. Females are seen as sinners and if you were one, you are guilty of the sins in your past life. This makes it harder for us to be taken seriously. So I can't give up, but want to so bad.

Summer is suppose to be carefree and fun, why don't I feel anything? Why is the "numbness" coming at me? I need motivation. I need creativity. I need something to inspire me. OR something to keep me busy. Let my mind jump from one idea to the next...not constantly thinking about things I want to happen.

I wish I wanted less.

non complet

I do not have a job nor am I going to school this summer. There is a burden that is put upon my shoulders again by myself of course. I cannot rest for I am restless. It is too late, my eyes are drowsy, but my body cannot lay and be still. When one feels incomplete, one feels like the world is against her. To me, not even a significant other makes my mind clear. He masks my internal pain and hunger because he is wonderful, but when he is not around, I soak myself in the what I did wrong in the past to have the present. I wonder at times whether I do this to myself. There is lack of things being accomplished in my life of all sorts.

Many people are above me, and starting a new beginning, while I am stuck. And I remember when it was worst, but this time there is no excuse. Neither age nor time is the blockage. I have done this to myself because of false motivation. False ideas. Lack of action. Action: verb...to do (something). So simple. Why haven't I DONE anything?

The problem I can no longer blame on the Rents. I should blame myself, but I won't. Some Thing is always the cause and my result is the effect. I lose my motivation and excitement because my feelings at present times affect my actions. The most successful are aggressive and passionate.

I am not consistent. That's my problem.

fardeaux

I seems to wake up everyday with a burden over my head. It could be the happens of events that happen weeks ago or the day before.

Last night, I decided to take a long over due offer and go out with my friend. I am newly turned 21 and I felt I should give the bars a chance. After last night, I will give it one more chance with my usual crowd. Walking around the streets of downtown Nashville, is not my idea of a good time. Bar hopping is not my idea of a good time. You lose your buzz and your feet hurt from walking on heels.

I am glad mon aime was there to get away from the sluttiness and corruption of Nashville night streets. We went to Steak 'n' Shake to get purity in us once again before we head home.

You can assume, I slept quite well, but I had this strange dream of a dead baby and being a woman living in the 21st century, I googled. And this is what I found

~"To see a dead baby in your dream, symbolizes the ending of something that is part of you."

~" Your Dream: dead broken neck baby
Words like neck: To dream about any neck, denotes your present feelings of jealously and resentment. It involves emotional problems involving a friend or relative.
Words like baby: Happiness. Rebirth. Trust."
(funny because an event did happen to make this true. "...emotional problems involving a friend or relative...")

(my search continues for more meanings)

~" death (someone else): To dream that someone else has died represents an end of a phase for that person before a new phase begins, or means that some aspect of your situation with that person is changing or coming to an end.

baby: To dream of a baby represents the need for self-nurturing, and responsibility for yourself. To dream that you are pregnant or that you have a baby that you don't have in real life can mean that you should pay more attention to your needs. Depending on how you feel about the baby, it can also be a symbol of taking on responsibility for someone else or that you are taking on too much responsibility. Occasionally, it can mean that you would like to have a baby or spend more time around young children.''

(so the first one was right. The end of a phrase in my life. I hope it's good)

Gravity pulls.

nécessaire adieu

Finals week is hectic. So hectic I have not been able to plan a proper adieu for my barely legal year. I wanted a party to remember by, but this will be a year of certain changes, well this semester has been a year of changes that are maybe and hopefully for the better.



This is by far my favorite picture of us. Happiness is what is says. Carefree. Joyous. THE Best to describe about the picture is, it isn't a posed picture. It happened so naturally...well we were both alittle under the influence, but it was true none the less.

mon esprit se promène

....my mind wanders...
Classes are soon to be over and the day of my birth is soon after. Everything would be the same; just that I would be able to purchase a drink whenever I'd like...with the excepts of the laws of course. This eventful spring semester has been changes that is a new path for me. Nothing that matters to anyone, but myself. Nothing has happened to me to affect anyone outside of my bubble. My search is long over and my schooling is on track. If I keep myself motivated enough, I will be done within a year...and a half.

I have grown accustom to the taste of the bittersweet coffee. I even grown to love it and NEED it. Breakfast is no longer an option because I replaced it with coffee. I have been trying my very best to start the morning off right, but it doesn't matter how early I rise. I will use all the time I have and linger on my hair, face, Internet, etc...this is a conjunction of everything, BUT not a thought for food in the morning. I suppose, I must get into the routine of things, but that would be too easy and boring. I rather not be a robot in the morning, and read as soon as I am done brushing my teeth. The news, the news, the news....

The news...is everything short of boring...it seems that I have a shield to block any unnecessary drama. (Family drama, but I have since been able to deal and live with it.) It is around me, but it has bounced away from me and towards my dear friends and friend. Not too long ago, I realized what friends I want to keep and not to keep. Within friends there are always situations that you cannot control, but more times than not, the situations could have been controlled. What I am getting at is...the friends I have found and intend to keep in my life forever are good people. And I do not know why they are having to go through with drama. As an outsider, you would say that all this unnecessary situations is for building character and helps one to get a good sense of her/himself. This is true. I agree, but what if one has a good idea of what they are as a person and what they are meant for this life time?

I need a vacation...until then I will look at his lovely face.

nouveau chapitre pour nous

I am a little embarrassed, for lack of better words. I know I have found the "wow-factor" that I have been looking for all my life. It just took long enough for both of us to get over our selfish ways and longings. Misunderstandings, bullshit, and deception from my past relationships whether they be romantic or platonic, I know to appreciate him. With all our lessons learn on our own times and ways, we can now learn from each other with ease and content. We are at the point in our lives where others cannot misguide us. For if they do, it's because we let them. Views of different ideas seem to work well and pass like each day our eyes meet. The tension of butterflies in my stomach never leaves. They stay whether I am with or without him, and also I catch my smile stay longer when I am near him. My lips quiver when we touch. I see him catching me as I fall for him. Each day that passes, his eyes connect with mine as if he is piercing to see my soul. And I know from this that he wants all of me and not just the exterior that everybody sees. He listens when I speak even if nothing, but nonsense pours out of me. He looks at me with so much interest; I do not believe it is real. The past is the past and I wait what the future holds for us. I have found something that is beyond infatuation and lust. With my doubtful concerns in the beginning (for this is nature to me), he respond with "...ever think you would be the beginning and the end of something..." Right words at the right time seems too surreal! I believe and linger to every word he says since the words are so sincere and not cliché. The end of my search and the beginning of our new chapter of a new beginning that should not end with a sorry goodbye.