sans sommeil

I have fallen into my unsleepable pattern again. It is late in the morning and I am still awake. I plan to stay up until tonight. I will not be able to get back up if I fall asleep...

Lack of sleep...

Many things have arise, well a conjunction of other things that did not matter to me until now. Number One: I have no job. Unemployment causes lack of funds, which makes lack of fun. Not much time spend with friends means no fun because I am unable to spend money on playtime/play places. With no money, I spend a lot of time with my significant other, which makes me look like a clingy girlfriend...I am not. (Wondering if this will make any sense when I have gotten some sleep).

Nostalgia:
As a child of five, I would try to make myself sleep by staring at the ceiling, talking to myself in my head. I would not say I was crazy because many of you have done it and will not admit, or you just do not remember that far back. I like to think that I had an active brain that functioned like an adult, but that idea changed, as I got older. Today, I stress about the present...as a child...I did not want to die. Yes, I remember that far back.
When young children realize they exist, and there is a difference between life and death, I didn't want to die. I wanted to live. I knew I was too young to go. I felt I was destined for something more then the ceiling of my room in the three-story apartment building. I was going to be someone great...my decedents were pieces of great people and I was the finished puzzle to attack the world. A female of all sorts. In my culture, we believe in recarnation. Females are seen as sinners and if you were one, you are guilty of the sins in your past life. This makes it harder for us to be taken seriously. So I can't give up, but want to so bad.

Summer is suppose to be carefree and fun, why don't I feel anything? Why is the "numbness" coming at me? I need motivation. I need creativity. I need something to inspire me. OR something to keep me busy. Let my mind jump from one idea to the next...not constantly thinking about things I want to happen.

I wish I wanted less.