Disregarded

I have neglected. Ignored. Disregarded.

Now I am sitting here, trying to figure out how to make a post on the new interface.  I suppose I will keep this blog a little bit longer.  I am still writing.  Not so much on the Internet for the few people that see, or the few that has stop coming around.  I really am not that interesting of a person.  With social media still growing and getting stronger, the idea scared me into holding back my thoughts.  Of course, I still will use this blog.  I suppose that makes me pretty boring for the fact that I don't share anything personal anymore.  I am comfortable with you not knowing me at all because I have my friends and I know who they are, and who I want to keep in my life, and the newest additions are still on trial.  I have forgot my reason for this rant of why I am back.  I might be back and then two years later post something similar to this exact post of change, renewing, etc.

Again, I don't share or I just don't know how to share about myself so the next best thing is to have opinions about things, but then you will start to know what kind of person I am.  There is no getting out of this paradox is there?  Thinks have changed since I lasted blog.  I think I stopped because no one cared.  Then again, I didn't share enough to make myself interesting.  I rather keep to myself how I feel about things as to not cause trouble because I have tried to NOT put myself in those awkward positions.

I am so far just typing what ever comes out on the top of my head and then I will edit and retype and make myself boring again. Again. And Again.

I am currently in this position of losing more and more hope.  I will never find a "Big-Girl-Job."  I am still at Staples.  It is still embarrassing I am still there.  I get embarrassed when people see me there. So if I act stand-offish, I am embarrassed or myself.  (No, it isn't low self-esteem).  Maybe I feel I am a cut above "them" (co-workers), but as I get rejected and passed over, I am like everyone else.  I am slowly just accepting the fact that I am no better than any of them.  Even though I have this expensive piece of paper I have obtained almost 2 years ago.  I am still like everyone else.  I am maybe a smaller percentage of a certain type of person, but I am still like everyone else.  My percentage is growing rapidly and I am again becoming just like everyone else with a degree.  Why I have come to this conclusion?  The majority of friends, and people I have encountered, or interacted with feel the same way.  I live in this state of Tennessee, and I feel there are no opportunities for me here.  They are all taken and I am not needed.  I have many things to hold me back.  If I was a drama-kinda person I would have lost all the things that were holding me back.

Now, it seems I have made myself sound depressing.  Great.  Well, everyone seems so happy all the time, it can't be correct.  I almost forgot how it is suppose to feel like.  No, there are no mental issues hidden within this post.  I think that's the mood, I have been in.  I am never close enough to be happy.  I feel if I fix this one thing (financial).  I will be happier.  People say that money isn't happiness, or it isn't everything, or family is all that matters...there are more sayings. ( I have never really been a I-Love-Quotes kind of girl so I don't remember a good one).  Well, when you can't feed your family or give them things they need, they can be taken away or die.  Morbid?  I know.  Some people want to find themselves or explore the world.  I have done enough for the time being...I just want to stop dreaming and just be an adult.  A boring adult that gets vaction pay, insurance, and a 401k plan.  THEN I can give all that up and start dreaming again. 

And there is another point, why is it that the hardest working person gets nothing while the idiot of all idiots gets everything they desire.  I guess, I feel, well I was told all wrong.  I was told, if I was to study hard and become one brilliant young woman, the world will be my oyster...I was misinformed.  I should of been someone else...maybe someone more ambitious or less?  Just someone else.  Someone more accepting and content.  Someone not me. 

I will have a brighter post in the future.  Maybe when I become someone else I do not recognize.

-k.s.

december, december a day to remember

The last month of the year. Long awaited need for change to make myself to become a better happy person, again. Long overdue. I have become this angry person I do not recognize anymore. Losing sleep over what does not matter. Blaming others and myself for what I cannot control. I used to be a be-and-let-it-be kind of person. Somewhere in the shuffle, I have lost myself. On the outside, I want to believe that I have kept this secret to myself, but the walls are caving in and I cannot take the pressure of always nodding my head to every word and sealing my lips even though I have things to say that matter. With constant fear that it will change your perspective of me, I digress. I move on with a burden that picks away at my feelings, then I become an angry, impatient person. The solution to my problem. I must become less angry. Now to start. Things that make happy. I begin my list.



Pretty notebooks help make lists, which calms my nerves.

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Je suis triste

I used to write like I breath.
I had obsessions, yearnings, and ambition.

Years passed, I wrote less, and absorbed myself in social networks in order to seem connected, but KNOWING that being in the same room with them meant so much more to me.

It is always nice to see what your friends are doing with their life. Who needs a reunion when you have Facebook.

Let's admit it. It's a place to showoff and promote ourselves. It's a place to share and show our excitement, frustration, and even sadness.
Then there are lines drawn where you do not know or can tell who has a more eventful life. Could it be maybe that people who are less active online can have more fulfillment in REAL life? Or being able to document one's life online is the whole point of actually living it? I don't know anymore. I simply am indifferent to it all. Je suis triste.

I been revisiting old outlooks in order to fine my strive again...let the rediscovery begin.

I miss my sister

Decided to do this...let's try it out Nance!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j2PmmeqIZRQ

flash flood

Surviving the May 1st Flash Flood was the biggest accomplishment I have done this weekend. Term papers is not what I consider an accomplishment. I am glad it is done, but there is an extra day that is postponed. All my exams that were suppose to be for Monday is moved to Friday because it is day 2, and still rain. I suppose I can enjoy my birthday now, but I just wanted it to be over and done with by Tuesday.

The rain has stopped me from doing much of anything. It was crazy how the clouds were above us and it moved towards the northeast of Middle Tennessee. Areas around Smyrna and Nashville got a pretty big hit.

I was supposed to witness a Baptism today in the morning, but I had to miss it. Rain, again stopped me from doing anything. I never seen one and I really wanted to experience it like everyone has.

Instead, I slept in, ate pho at my aunt's house, and changed my templates for this blog and making a travel blog. I kinda want my close friends and family to have this experience with me AND if I completely stop updating my blog or facebook status, than it could mean, Europe is not as exciting as everyone said it is OR I have been kidnapped and killed.

With this built up of stress of school, work, and going away, I have developed this annoying twitch in my left eye. How do I stop this? I have had it before, but this time it goes in and out instead of up and down. Let's hope by Friday, I will stop and have one thing to think about.

Tomorrow is my 24th birthday. I hope someone buys me lunch and dinner.

Postit

I found this...

"when things lack of complications, life gets a little more boring and routine. Surprises are one thing, but turn-of-events gets a category of its own...so I rather be boring now than regret it later."

I am not sure when I wrote this or what I was going through, but it is very interesting. What happened to me? I am not the same person several years ago...not a terrible person, just different...almost becoming more selfish...finding this random post-it has encouraged me to gather all my past journals from 1998 to 2006. I seemed to stop at 2006...

Flipping through some of the entries, I remember a quote from Virginia Woolf (I believe, and I am paraphrasing).

"...women who write have too much emotions..."

I am going to take a day and actually read through all of them as to reflect and see where I have lost my more brighter self. In the past, I used to look back at these entries as a way to keep myself sane and to remind myself of my dreams because I knew I was going to forget them as I became an adult. I have a different mindset now. I have been trained to figure out beyond what the words mean in historic diaries. This will be an easier task since I (hopefully) can remember the events that leads me to write with such emotions.

I long to have those terrible emotions again so I have the ability to write. Only when I am content and indifferent, I have NOTHING to write. Truth be told, I want to write something, I just can remember the important details that make a story a story. Maybe going to France will be new perspective and I will regain the ability to write again even if it is only about the fancy cuisine.

-k.sayavong

nouvelle perspective

Every year and every semester, I tell myself I would focus more on school, but I seem to have a great start and end up wishing I would have stayed motivated. This year, I am not going to tell myself anything, and I will not set any goals I cannot keep doing for the rest of the year or even the semester for that matter.

Someone mentioned the other day, I have become angry. 'Tis true, I have. The question for myself is to what I am angry at? How do you stay positive when you dislike some people you work with? Finishing college seems long overdue. Financially unstable at the moment.

There is a lot to be angry at. And of course this comes off complaining to what I can obviously change. Quit the job. Finish college. Save money.

This year, I have started off angry, but I ended it mad...so in order to get over myself, I must stop continuing what I been doing for the past 5 years, and begin a new lease on life.

Happy New Year everyone!

the older, the wiser

It's cliche for me to say we are not getting any younger...
I am an adult, it's official. It hit me today. Birthdays do not matter as long as there are good times and booze. Caring for one's own body in order to prepare for a future bun in the oven (no I am not preggers, just saying). Well, more of just taking care of one's self for a healthier tomorrow. Found the man of my dreams who is caring and kind, who I wouldn't mind spending the rest of my life with. Sunscreen is a must.

I just need to manage my income better.

If only life would become easier.

once thought

Everyday there is another drink, which adds on to another and another, then my head hits the pillow. I have looked forward to the end of the day...drinking.

I went to the movies again with my girl friend. As I was waiting in line for the concession stand. I remember when I was the person years ago behind the counter. Wishing that time with just freeze for a quick minute so I can scream at the top of my lungs. Instead of embarrassing myself, I would suck it up and get through the customers as fast as I could. At the end of all the movies...I would clean. "Always start from the top and work your way down," I would say to myself, "sweep last." Then the shift would be over, I would have to release my tension. Too young to go into a store and purchase some beer. I would settle on other things, I am neither proud about nor do I regret it. I was a teenager being a teen. As I would make my way out of the door, I would envy the people that would walk out of the movies with an experience of a good, great, or terrible movie. Now, looking back, I am those people walking out of the theater heading to my next destination. At sixteen, I thought more, I was more hopeful. Nothing happens after the movie ends. People are zapped back into their own reality.

I am in my reality...drinking a beer, waiting on Him to get home...looking out the window wishing for something more interesting to write than about myself...

-k.sayavong

déclamation extravagante de garçon de restaurant

I finished reading Waiter Rant the two days ago. It made me glad I did not stay in the restaurant business for very long. The money is alluring at first, but there is so much you put up with, which could ultimately cause you to hate all of mankind. Now, I dislike retail customers...

Ma'am, all the prices marked are correct in the computer system. When you have gotten away with saving one dollar before it was all because I wanted YOU out of my face.

Most days, I would go through without any complaints, which would go unnoticed, of course. BUT the one customer have ruins the vibe the store will always be remembered. From his/her face to clothes to body type to even smell...so when you go into a retail store and stir up unnecessary problems, we ALWAYS will remember you. Oh, but me, I will act polite towards you because it's not my duty in life to waste my time with YOU.

nouveaux cheveux sombres

Insignificant to the world. We live lives to please ourselves, or so we say.

Lenny's was a bust. The owner was in over his head. He had no idea what he was doing. In my nature, I have faith that he was trying, but than, he screwed up the employees' paycheck. I was the lucky few who did not get caught in the circle of bank fees and lack of funds. It seems there will be some legal action if nothing is fixed.

As a shallow thing to do, I recently changed my hair color to become a little bit darker and more natural, since I will not be pampering myself any time soon. It seems I must grow the fuck up, and learn to spend by my means. Yes, I should have done this a long time ago, but I was stuck in a position I had to live up to...No more of that.

I say this every semester, but this time it will be different. I will put more of my energy towards my classes. I am hoping they will be enlightening and enjoyable, but that would be too much to ask for considering the economy we live in making us all a little depressed. Its claws slowly chipping our pride and dignity away. In this spiral of unhappiness, at least, I was lucky enough to get my old job back.

Yes, I am back in...'nuff said.

Liste des Changements

At worlds end, I will look back and see that there have been a lot of unfinished business.

I say this every year, but I will be a hermit this time around. I gave up my need to mingle with the rest of society. I will give away my privileges of being out and about. I will lacks on my spending habits of frivolous things. The reason behind all this...Damn Recession!

...tout ne va pas bien.

fin.

thèmes

Reminded there is not a distance from any destination. The life we live...why do some just KNOW where they want to be, want to do, and how to live? Goals. A learned trait to pick one that is easier to accomplish in a short period of time.

I shall start with my bedroom/office/living space.

Time of non-reflection

Life should be filled with realization, but what happens when you feel you have learned enough in this stage of life? It seems my life is at a stand still while life is still happening. No, I do not feel the world revolves around me. I know that the world revolves around no one, but EVERYONE. My theory is when the majority of the people in this world is moving in a fast pace, I lag and I am unable to catch up. It seems I am so far behind, there is no way for me to get next to the last person. The only thing I can do is get in the right path, but right when I am doing what I am suppose to do, I lose my motivation. Yes, my flaw in life is my short term motivation. It will be the death of me
I hate questions involving where I will be in five years. I have a plan, but I do not state every step; let me just go on without a demand to understand where my life will lead. The only person I disappoint is myself: I do not want you to get your hopes up. One of us is enough to feel that way.

I feel better since I have finished this semester. Now, I await the grades to come in. I do not even want to see. Every semester I am in fear that I will fail. I CANNOT fail any class! I have this stigma where I might as well give up if I fail.

-k.sayavong

bon

This was supposed to be my year, of newfound leadership and responsibility. Since then, I have been the same unorganized, broke, and procrastinator among many. The lazy good-for-nothing student that does what it takes to make it “alright.” I seem to always go the first week broke without books and when I finally get money to buy books the following week, then instead of reading, I am out and about with my friends, wasting away money I should be saving to head out of the Rent’s house. They will not be happy, but they seem to be less about me and more about making money in the agricultural business nowadays. I am hoping with all my fingers and toes cross, I will get through this semester without any down fall, but it seems with the rate I am going, I should be more grounded and say no when people ask me to leave the confines of my mini office. I wander off into nothing, but more debt. I wonder how am I to live on my own if I am constantly living from paycheck to paycheck? I realize that I am in my early twenties, but even with the stereotypical place I should be in, I want more. I want to be able to stand on my own two feet. For years I have been blaming my shortcomings to everyone else (The Rents) except for myself. I learn through trial and error, it has always been my choice. I have always chosen the easy carefree way from the “real world.” Letting mommy and daddy take care of all the finances, which has stopped me from leaving…oh there I go again blaming. In a more worldly view, it is my fault as much as the Rents because of their control of situation and my rebellion strike that would give in when I cannot afford the thing I want and not need.

Change of subject; I have actually been keeping up with the Republic National Convention this week as I was last week with the Democratic. I have made my choice, and I will not be swayed, but I do still want to know both sides this time. I been keeping up with current events again.

I am more content now that I have left Staples. I think the store was making me an angry person because I was fed up with many of the management going on and I didn’t feel like I had the right to say anything even though I was there for a year and a half. Maybe it was the fact that I was not promoted right away like I did in many of my previous jobs…okay maybe two; one for management and the other for more responsibility. I just felt like I needed to have people under me when I know how to do pretty much everything, except for what I needed to be trained for. I work at Lenny’s, oh, I surly need to change my status on facebook..., I am still in the process of training, but I think I got the gist of everything…hopefully (fingers-crossed).
-k. sayavong

faux encouragement

Ever had the feeling that friends tend to be nice to you when things could only get worst. And their sense of encouragement is what makes us want to cry even more because they are lying and there is no way in hell they actually believe and/or have faith in you.

In cases I rather not mention in specific detail, I am not a sports-girl or a sports fanatic. I will join in with the fun, but I am nothing, but mediocre. I play to play, to fit in, to be in the crowd. All this time of joining in, I have never once had anyone join me in my idea of enjoyment. Do not get what is typed wrong. I enjoy running around, getting a little dirty, and end up with battle wounds towards the end. I would much rather discuss what the events that make us human. What changes occur to make us believe such things as love and lost. What encourages us everyday we wake, to face the world. I have ideas. I have images I can create. I read for enjoyment. I learn just to learn because we should be constantly learning.

On a personal note, I am getting determined to want to move out, but always and forever, my upbringing stops me from saving myself. I never do it. I am an a coward to you, but an obediant daugther to them. I am to remain a child. Very sad indeed, but if there was another option I will take it, which would make both sides happy. But I digress.

Hope others' lives are more fantastical this summer. Here's to you.

Time goes on

This week, oh this week.

I seem to have this inablity to get along with the Rents. I seem to slowly ignore their wishes with the utmost disrespect and I do not care anymore. Well, I am lying. I still care for I am still living under their roof. I am still grasping for air at this point. I wish they would go to the farm more often so I could be alone and without them for a while. I rather like being alone from time to time. Never have to mind the other person if your action is unfavorable to them. If food was meant to be cooked outside, there would have been this permanent kitchen extending to the outdoors. I digress.

Work is work, school is non-existent. Social life is steady. Alone time is sparse. Reading is never to be seen since the semester ended.

I got the new Jason Mraz CD a week ago. And my oh my it is entertaining. It seems like he went back to his old style but kept what he learn throughout his travels. If you like artist like John Meyer and Jack Johnson. I recommend him highly.

We went to Six Flags last weekend also, Haley had fun. Me and Jeremy not so much.

I have been more than awake this week. I feel that I could sleep forever and a day...make it a week. Tomorrow is Dad Day, we get Haley. I do not have anything for Jeremy. I wish I made money or saved more to spend like I used to so I can surprise him like he used to surprise me.

Yesterday night, I went to a Sex Party. Girls only. It was fun.

Tonight, is work. Maybe if time allows me I will get to see Jeremy. *fingers crossed*

simplement silencieux

Life has become simple for the time being.

The Rents are off to Rockford, IL here in a few hours. They are to be gone the whole weekend, but more than likely they will be back Sunday morning. I always thought it was a waste of time to drive 8 to 10 hours somewhere and stay two days and one full night. I decided not to go with them for several reasons...I rather not be in the car with them for 10 hours, and I rather make money to pay off what I have already spent and then some.

I recently quit biting my nails. This may come to a shock to all, but I have to oral fixation of a habit with my finger tips to my mouth. I have been doing it for as long as I can remember. Since May is my birthday month, I decided it was time to quit. It took a lot of slapping my own mouth, but I manage to go three weeks without it. Next thing, my other oral fixation...smoking. I really hate it. When I have a headache it makes it worst. When drinking a couple, I have to leave and step outside to have a good inhaleing. Usually alone because many of my friends did not give in to the advertisements and such that would makethem become the likes of my kind. I just need to stop, but I do not want to give it up so soon. I tell myself I want to quit when I get preganant, but I see that I should quit sooner than that. Since I was 17...we will see how I do when I do decide to quit cold turkey.

Lately, I have been frustated. Frustated that the Rents are unable to take care of their own well being. I must take care of everything that comes their way. I know that if they both actually went to college or actually finished American high school, they would have never met each other because my mother would probably marry a white male and my father marry...well, he would be in the same relationship he is in now with my mom. The woman takes care of all the money that comes in and out of the household. I disgress.

Lately, I have been calm and sick. Sickness. I am so tired. I cannot breathe from time to time. I cough to the point of making myself gag. I can't smoke because it hurts to swallow because I eat two ciggerettes and smoke one. Tis the reason I go through them so quick...

The end.

Fait d'être soucieux Juste

My birthday as come and gone.

It's true what they say after you reach that 21st mark, the year after becomes another day.

Lately, I been in the mood for organization. I reestablished my library. I see it has grown over the years, and my taste changed as well. Reading was a form of entertainment. Now, it is enjoyment mixed with information.

Next conquest is all my papers here and there in the dreaded filing cabinet!

Now, I have gotten lazy with this thing called updating online. I don't take as much pictures of my loves as often as I used to; including me. I have grown bored of myself, but I see others still full of themselves. Maybe I should be like everyone else and show the world how great my life is. I don't have anything to show off, but my outlook on life. I want to relive how I did with a little bit more nostalgia. I will brag and I will boost like the rest and become a picture-whore. Or I can stay anti-social on the Internet. But then again, this is the month that made me one month older so you will see more of me.

School has been over, I have been working quite a bit, but it doesn't seem like I work at all. I tend to lock myself in the cash office and count money...well take my time counting money because I can. And since none of the mgr will do it, I will take my time perfecting my craft of counting 20's my twos and counting my change like a whiz-kid. Tomorrow will be another day, another dollar.

My current motion is sitting and trying my hardest to breathe calmly, but it seems the allergy monster has gotten the best of me, but I will not give up. I will drug myself and trick this fend into hibernation because I don't want to deal with its annoyance any longer.