Liste des Changements

At worlds end, I will look back and see that there have been a lot of unfinished business.

I say this every year, but I will be a hermit this time around. I gave up my need to mingle with the rest of society. I will give away my privileges of being out and about. I will lacks on my spending habits of frivolous things. The reason behind all this...Damn Recession!

...tout ne va pas bien.

fin.

thèmes

Reminded there is not a distance from any destination. The life we live...why do some just KNOW where they want to be, want to do, and how to live? Goals. A learned trait to pick one that is easier to accomplish in a short period of time.

I shall start with my bedroom/office/living space.

Time of non-reflection

Life should be filled with realization, but what happens when you feel you have learned enough in this stage of life? It seems my life is at a stand still while life is still happening. No, I do not feel the world revolves around me. I know that the world revolves around no one, but EVERYONE. My theory is when the majority of the people in this world is moving in a fast pace, I lag and I am unable to catch up. It seems I am so far behind, there is no way for me to get next to the last person. The only thing I can do is get in the right path, but right when I am doing what I am suppose to do, I lose my motivation. Yes, my flaw in life is my short term motivation. It will be the death of me
I hate questions involving where I will be in five years. I have a plan, but I do not state every step; let me just go on without a demand to understand where my life will lead. The only person I disappoint is myself: I do not want you to get your hopes up. One of us is enough to feel that way.

I feel better since I have finished this semester. Now, I await the grades to come in. I do not even want to see. Every semester I am in fear that I will fail. I CANNOT fail any class! I have this stigma where I might as well give up if I fail.

-k.sayavong

bon

This was supposed to be my year, of newfound leadership and responsibility. Since then, I have been the same unorganized, broke, and procrastinator among many. The lazy good-for-nothing student that does what it takes to make it “alright.” I seem to always go the first week broke without books and when I finally get money to buy books the following week, then instead of reading, I am out and about with my friends, wasting away money I should be saving to head out of the Rent’s house. They will not be happy, but they seem to be less about me and more about making money in the agricultural business nowadays. I am hoping with all my fingers and toes cross, I will get through this semester without any down fall, but it seems with the rate I am going, I should be more grounded and say no when people ask me to leave the confines of my mini office. I wander off into nothing, but more debt. I wonder how am I to live on my own if I am constantly living from paycheck to paycheck? I realize that I am in my early twenties, but even with the stereotypical place I should be in, I want more. I want to be able to stand on my own two feet. For years I have been blaming my shortcomings to everyone else (The Rents) except for myself. I learn through trial and error, it has always been my choice. I have always chosen the easy carefree way from the “real world.” Letting mommy and daddy take care of all the finances, which has stopped me from leaving…oh there I go again blaming. In a more worldly view, it is my fault as much as the Rents because of their control of situation and my rebellion strike that would give in when I cannot afford the thing I want and not need.

Change of subject; I have actually been keeping up with the Republic National Convention this week as I was last week with the Democratic. I have made my choice, and I will not be swayed, but I do still want to know both sides this time. I been keeping up with current events again.

I am more content now that I have left Staples. I think the store was making me an angry person because I was fed up with many of the management going on and I didn’t feel like I had the right to say anything even though I was there for a year and a half. Maybe it was the fact that I was not promoted right away like I did in many of my previous jobs…okay maybe two; one for management and the other for more responsibility. I just felt like I needed to have people under me when I know how to do pretty much everything, except for what I needed to be trained for. I work at Lenny’s, oh, I surly need to change my status on facebook..., I am still in the process of training, but I think I got the gist of everything…hopefully (fingers-crossed).
-k. sayavong

faux encouragement

Ever had the feeling that friends tend to be nice to you when things could only get worst. And their sense of encouragement is what makes us want to cry even more because they are lying and there is no way in hell they actually believe and/or have faith in you.

In cases I rather not mention in specific detail, I am not a sports-girl or a sports fanatic. I will join in with the fun, but I am nothing, but mediocre. I play to play, to fit in, to be in the crowd. All this time of joining in, I have never once had anyone join me in my idea of enjoyment. Do not get what is typed wrong. I enjoy running around, getting a little dirty, and end up with battle wounds towards the end. I would much rather discuss what the events that make us human. What changes occur to make us believe such things as love and lost. What encourages us everyday we wake, to face the world. I have ideas. I have images I can create. I read for enjoyment. I learn just to learn because we should be constantly learning.

On a personal note, I am getting determined to want to move out, but always and forever, my upbringing stops me from saving myself. I never do it. I am an a coward to you, but an obediant daugther to them. I am to remain a child. Very sad indeed, but if there was another option I will take it, which would make both sides happy. But I digress.

Hope others' lives are more fantastical this summer. Here's to you.

Time goes on

This week, oh this week.

I seem to have this inablity to get along with the Rents. I seem to slowly ignore their wishes with the utmost disrespect and I do not care anymore. Well, I am lying. I still care for I am still living under their roof. I am still grasping for air at this point. I wish they would go to the farm more often so I could be alone and without them for a while. I rather like being alone from time to time. Never have to mind the other person if your action is unfavorable to them. If food was meant to be cooked outside, there would have been this permanent kitchen extending to the outdoors. I digress.

Work is work, school is non-existent. Social life is steady. Alone time is sparse. Reading is never to be seen since the semester ended.

I got the new Jason Mraz CD a week ago. And my oh my it is entertaining. It seems like he went back to his old style but kept what he learn throughout his travels. If you like artist like John Meyer and Jack Johnson. I recommend him highly.

We went to Six Flags last weekend also, Haley had fun. Me and Jeremy not so much.

I have been more than awake this week. I feel that I could sleep forever and a day...make it a week. Tomorrow is Dad Day, we get Haley. I do not have anything for Jeremy. I wish I made money or saved more to spend like I used to so I can surprise him like he used to surprise me.

Yesterday night, I went to a Sex Party. Girls only. It was fun.

Tonight, is work. Maybe if time allows me I will get to see Jeremy. *fingers crossed*

simplement silencieux

Life has become simple for the time being.

The Rents are off to Rockford, IL here in a few hours. They are to be gone the whole weekend, but more than likely they will be back Sunday morning. I always thought it was a waste of time to drive 8 to 10 hours somewhere and stay two days and one full night. I decided not to go with them for several reasons...I rather not be in the car with them for 10 hours, and I rather make money to pay off what I have already spent and then some.

I recently quit biting my nails. This may come to a shock to all, but I have to oral fixation of a habit with my finger tips to my mouth. I have been doing it for as long as I can remember. Since May is my birthday month, I decided it was time to quit. It took a lot of slapping my own mouth, but I manage to go three weeks without it. Next thing, my other oral fixation...smoking. I really hate it. When I have a headache it makes it worst. When drinking a couple, I have to leave and step outside to have a good inhaleing. Usually alone because many of my friends did not give in to the advertisements and such that would makethem become the likes of my kind. I just need to stop, but I do not want to give it up so soon. I tell myself I want to quit when I get preganant, but I see that I should quit sooner than that. Since I was 17...we will see how I do when I do decide to quit cold turkey.

Lately, I have been frustated. Frustated that the Rents are unable to take care of their own well being. I must take care of everything that comes their way. I know that if they both actually went to college or actually finished American high school, they would have never met each other because my mother would probably marry a white male and my father marry...well, he would be in the same relationship he is in now with my mom. The woman takes care of all the money that comes in and out of the household. I disgress.

Lately, I have been calm and sick. Sickness. I am so tired. I cannot breathe from time to time. I cough to the point of making myself gag. I can't smoke because it hurts to swallow because I eat two ciggerettes and smoke one. Tis the reason I go through them so quick...

The end.

Fait d'être soucieux Juste

My birthday as come and gone.

It's true what they say after you reach that 21st mark, the year after becomes another day.

Lately, I been in the mood for organization. I reestablished my library. I see it has grown over the years, and my taste changed as well. Reading was a form of entertainment. Now, it is enjoyment mixed with information.

Next conquest is all my papers here and there in the dreaded filing cabinet!

Now, I have gotten lazy with this thing called updating online. I don't take as much pictures of my loves as often as I used to; including me. I have grown bored of myself, but I see others still full of themselves. Maybe I should be like everyone else and show the world how great my life is. I don't have anything to show off, but my outlook on life. I want to relive how I did with a little bit more nostalgia. I will brag and I will boost like the rest and become a picture-whore. Or I can stay anti-social on the Internet. But then again, this is the month that made me one month older so you will see more of me.

School has been over, I have been working quite a bit, but it doesn't seem like I work at all. I tend to lock myself in the cash office and count money...well take my time counting money because I can. And since none of the mgr will do it, I will take my time perfecting my craft of counting 20's my twos and counting my change like a whiz-kid. Tomorrow will be another day, another dollar.

My current motion is sitting and trying my hardest to breathe calmly, but it seems the allergy monster has gotten the best of me, but I will not give up. I will drug myself and trick this fend into hibernation because I don't want to deal with its annoyance any longer.

m'améliorer

I forgot I own a book about Buddhism. To get into the mindset of the past Laos New Year, I decided to improve once again, and go back to what I was going a long time ago. So I see that I have not been following the "eight golden rules" of Buddhism. I suppose I will think about each one and see how I can change, improve, or focus more into it. Maybe it's my historian-in-training trait, but I will probably analyze to the point where nothing is left to do, and that is not the way Buddhist should do things. I don't think I try hard enough to practice my faith. Too much of the same problems arise every year...well two times a year...every semester...Time...I waste is too often.

Now for the first of the Noble Eightfold Path:

1.) Right Understanding

Now, what is that? What is there to understand? I will work backwards.

8.) Right Concentration

A bit easier to understand. What should I concentrate on? School? Getting the right kind of grades so I can study abroad next year? Yes, that sounds easy enough, but I think about how to achieve that. From the beginning of change, I will start with my time management. The times I let my mind wander into a different world then I lose my focus: my goal. First thing is first, clean my living space inside and out so I have better access to my basic needs for this century. I have tried organizing. I got myself a filing cabinet to put my important papers in the right file. I realize that I have too many misc., which does not fit into any of the categories I originally planned. Long story short, I end up having one piece of paper in each file. I am terrible. I see my demise and gave up, called my friends and had a drink. OK, so right concentration is easier said than done.

I realize the teachings are not in depth as I went on. Right Concentration is basically the meditation part of the Eightfold Path. I am using my interuptation for me and not anyone elses.

BUT maybe I should meditate.

when the world comes to an end

I realize I have been walking in circles avoiding the truth. I should grow out of this skin, this comfort zone and get up and do something about this. I see that my future can be more enjoyable if I put forth the actual effort the outcome will be.

The semester is almost over. This big hump is about done. I have yet to sign up for my class. I am still a DAMN Junior and I didn't know I was suppose to be on the computer looking for my class on the 11th. It is now the 16th; yes, I am a little late. I suppose I keep thinking I am going to fail and bring dishonor to the family. They put too much investment into this, and I am wondering about waiting for someone to take care of everything. Letting everything fall into place. Don't I know that I need to do something about this on my own?! I need a big slap in the face from someone other than the Rents. Their words do not like to register into my brain.

I talked to minor advisor and yet to do the same with my advisor...I am a little embarrass from time to time because I do not have a concrete plan for myself. I need to stop and organize.

Eventful day that means nothing...
Tomorrow, will be semi-hectic. Nang is getting engaged and everyone is satified and relieved. I just love these things because I can have an excuse to buy a cute dress.

just like the movies

When a wreck happens in a movie, everything is in slow motion until the car actually hits. It is for affect. Yes, I was in movie or reality. I got into a wreck Saturday. My head hurts. My body is sore like I have been running a mile non-stop. Soreness.

First thing that came out of my mouth...
"I am in SO much trouble."

Brighter note: Spring Break is here. This is what I do in class anyways...
I finished my puzzle.

I started reading "Tulipomania" by Mike Dash. It's okay so far. The history of the tulip around the world...it's more to it than that. I rather finish the book and develop my own opinion until then, I will entertain. I thought it was quite clever.


"The first something to be implied by all the nothing," he said, "was in fact two somethings, who were God and Satan. God was male. Satan was female. They implied each other, and hence were peers in the emerging power struture, which was itself nothing but an implication. Power was implied by weakness."

"God created the heaven and the earth," the old, long-out-of-point science fiction writer went on. "And the earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. Satan could have done this herself, but she thought it was stupid, action for the sake of action. What was the point? She didn't say anything at first.
"But Satan began to worry about God when He said, 'Let there be light,' and there was light. She had to wonder, 'What the heck does He think He's doing? How far does He intend to go, and does He expect me to help Him take care of all this crazy stuff?'
"And then the shit really hit the fan. God made man and woman, beautiful little miniatures of Him and her, and turned them loose to see what might become of them. The Garden of Eden," said Trout, "might be considered the prototype for the Colosseum and the Roman Games."


"Satan," he said, "couldn't undo anything God had done. She could at least try to make existence for His little toys less painful. She could see what He couldn't: To be alive was to be either bored or scared stiff. So she filled an apple with all sorts of ideas that might at least relieve the boredom, such as rules for games with cards and dice, and how to fuck, and recipes for beer and wine and whiskey, and pictures of different plants there were smokable, and so on. And instructions on how to make music and sing and dance real crazy, real sexy. And how to spout blasphemy when they stubbed their toes.
"Satan had a serpent give Eve the apple. Eve took a bite and handed it to Adam. He took a bite, and then they fucked."

[Kurt Vonnegut "Timequake" 28-30]

Regina

Regina + Concert + Jessica = LOVEs

Love Day

I must have almost forgot, if someone didn't remind me. I am more excited about the fact of giving the kids the goodie bags I made. I have counted down, checked and rechecked the bag to make sure everyone has an equal share confroming to his and her personality, of course.

[picture of happy and engetic kids]

This year, we are not celebrating. I suppose we can do it next weekend. We can watch "Jumper" since it is out today. I don't like being the first to see a movie because it is always crowded. I hate crowds, maybe that is why I hate shopping. I still like to browse, but if I am at the store, I intend to buy something if not anything. I manage to always end up buying things for others...or my office "in-developing." I planned since this new year to "section-merge" my room into a bed/office/entertainment/dressing room. It is small...I should give up since it won't matter in two years...This will be another unfinished project.

I really should start doing the beginnings of my research paper since it will take the whole semester to be at least decent. I wish I was a better writer who people actually want to read and discuss my ideas, but that wish will have to wait as I get better. . .

Snow before V-Day

"i hear and i forget. i see and i believe. i do and i understand." - Confusius

Every time I see the name, I think it's so close to confusion that maybe he was just confused about life in general and somehow his proverbs can be made sense of thousand of years later. Translating from another language to english doesn't make everything sound better. Roughly translating loses it's purpose.

I picked up a book at Barnes & Nobles the other day. I was not looking for anything in particular, well, I decided to look for a cookbook....got it from a different books store...upon arriving home, I decided I needed to return it. I do not need it. I can look up recipes online even though it does not do the food justice. I have to make a French dish for Global Studies this semester. Fun stuff. I don't want to make them damn pancakes everyone always makes, so I decided to look up what normal French people eat...Okay, book store, another bookstore, a return...ah, yes, my original thought...I got a how to live green.

Have you heard? Green is a verb now. I decided to make a little bit of a lifestyle change...since all this change in climate is driving everyone mad...some don't care, but we hope they die first...just kidding. I think maybe if I keep this book something will click...I think it's such a burden. It is habits that are going to be hard. I started doing little things...recycling paper. I would not mind riding a bike around, but I live fifteen minutes for actual town. In any case, not driving is not an option. Paper, paper I can recycle. This new process will be also very expensive, but maybe if I do little baby steps, it will actually make sense enough to work.



It is snowing! And it is sticking! How exciting. It has been close to four years without this much snow. It is pretty pretty white. I just realize and you must think I am idiotic to say this, but the reason it is so bright outside when it is snowing is because white reflect light. Yeah, I know. I learn sometimes. Some information stays. I wonder if I will still have classes since they are later in the afternoon. Most of the snow would have melted away or the "salt-trucks" got to the snow before I get to campus....I suppose this day will have to see.

le café est la vie

Well, shit...

Ever wonder why coffee stains almost always leave a circle when it dries? I suppose clumsey-coffee drinkers notice. I, yes, am a coffee drinker. No, I do not spill...ever drop counts...for every drop is a second I gain of watchfullness (that made sense in my head).
If coffee was a drug, I would be in Coffee Heaven. Wait, it is! Just like a drug, I have to pay for it.

In Global Studies, I learn that in Cuba they chew or smoke cocaine like ciggerette smokers. Over here, we see them as drug-addicts, but to them we are "stupid pig-headed Americans"(i.e. say that with a French accent, it's fun). Maybe for outsiders studying American cultures we are addicts of unless things and luxury-fiends with nothing to show, but stuff. Or fiends whom always want to "one-up" someone elses. More like stuff we do not need.

As a mother-in-training, I did the American thing and gathered useless kiddy things for my kiddies. Valentines Day is drawing near.
It all started with Wal-Mart. (It always starts with Wal-Mart). Shopping with Mom and I see a bottled water with a pink cover. Of course I thought of H. Bear. I walked to the candy because I had a craving for some sweet stuff. Mostly, I saw V-day candy. Great...but I find a cutey heart thingy, I can't quite describe...I buy it. The weekend passes, I haven't given H. Bear the two mini gifts. Monday, I am still looking at it. Tuesday, Mom asks why I haven't given it to her. Wednesday, after class, I decided to waste some time at Target before I meet up with BS. I found myself a mini mailbox. How cute...a nice addition to my office space.




Browsing around the same area I found the mini mailbox, I stumble upon a V-day inspired min tin...hummm that would make a nice little something for H. Bear. . . she loves stickers...how about a card JC can sign along with me...she would love it. ..Now I need a bag to put the bottle water and heart "thingy" in (if you were paying attention in the beginning of my story, you would know. Slacker). Purchases. Purchases, I left.
BS and I had a couple of drinks and a little bit of food, then we were off our seperate ways.
I go home organize the things I bought for myself and H. Bear. I realized. Damn, Tay and ND, get nothing...favorism...I didn't mean to commit...Today, after first class let out, I decided to not leave Onna, Billy-Bob, Em, or Al off the list. I am still not done...5 down, two more to fill.














I am talking about the blue bags...I spent quite a bit. They will love it. I hope.
A little tingle in the pit of my stomache, you know that "aww" feeling. I love them.

Boring Trait

When the days start to lack on complaints - life begins to get a little boring and routine.

Surpises are one thing, but turn of events get a catagory of its own.

So I rather be boring now. It will keep me on track. Ready to pass through obstacles easier because then I will know what I am up against.

So had anyone seen the new Mac Air? Oh my goodness, I cried a little when I saw the promo on Apple.com. I bet you all have seen its commercial, you know the one where the model pulls the existing laptop out of the yellow enevolpe. I would be afraid, I would break it, but I know I will cherish it forever. Now is the time to save and buy my first huge purchase. I am ready for the challenge. Here I go with an unattainable goal again. Let's just see in a few months, I see that it's too hard and give up getting it and blow my money on things I can live without.

This semester hasn't been too bad. I am ready to be done.

I have decided to keep myself occupied with things I used to do last year. Somewhere along the lines, I quit doing the creative things I got bored with. I need to work on that boring trait I wish to stop.

I will soon start a puzzle...I will tell you the progress, but I rather just show you with I am finished.

commencement

Let's start from the beginning when I did not care. No plans to make for it to be ruin. No disappointments to linger in the mind. No self doubt of things could have been done better.

Then it ends and a new beginning with self realization. Unplanned almost ruined me. Disappointment of self for the end of a care. Doubts of the shoulda coulda wouldas.

It is never to late to try to change (or so "they" say, but they say that about learning to, which could be a truer statement).
I just figured since it is the new year, I should give it a try because why the hell not? I keep thinking "maybe" I could try to be someone better than who I am. Some where along the line I forgot to make myself a better person. I stayed stable and not developing or striving to be one step better or at least fail trying at it, but still manage to stand moving along.

Somewhere along the line, I quit learning and stopped seeing problems from a different perspective. Even though it was easier to look to our own mind, I started to see that if I don't see from different angles, I started to take in and believing the first I see or hear. It is harder for me to stand for something because lately there has not been anything for me to stand for. Somewhere along the line I forgot myself...not the other self that is of people and relationships, but of the myself molding and changing I used to have plenty of time for.

I could make excuses for my lack of accomplishments, but it seems that complaining was part of my problem. It was all my own doing, which kills me to believe I lost control in the course of a year. Do I no longer put myself first anymore? I used to be able to see from someone else's shoes their opinion of me was. Now, I am in a daze of confusion. Well, I was. I realized before it would become a lost cause.