commencement

Let's start from the beginning when I did not care. No plans to make for it to be ruin. No disappointments to linger in the mind. No self doubt of things could have been done better.

Then it ends and a new beginning with self realization. Unplanned almost ruined me. Disappointment of self for the end of a care. Doubts of the shoulda coulda wouldas.

It is never to late to try to change (or so "they" say, but they say that about learning to, which could be a truer statement).
I just figured since it is the new year, I should give it a try because why the hell not? I keep thinking "maybe" I could try to be someone better than who I am. Some where along the line I forgot to make myself a better person. I stayed stable and not developing or striving to be one step better or at least fail trying at it, but still manage to stand moving along.

Somewhere along the line, I quit learning and stopped seeing problems from a different perspective. Even though it was easier to look to our own mind, I started to see that if I don't see from different angles, I started to take in and believing the first I see or hear. It is harder for me to stand for something because lately there has not been anything for me to stand for. Somewhere along the line I forgot myself...not the other self that is of people and relationships, but of the myself molding and changing I used to have plenty of time for.

I could make excuses for my lack of accomplishments, but it seems that complaining was part of my problem. It was all my own doing, which kills me to believe I lost control in the course of a year. Do I no longer put myself first anymore? I used to be able to see from someone else's shoes their opinion of me was. Now, I am in a daze of confusion. Well, I was. I realized before it would become a lost cause.