choix

I have become immune to this type of repression ever since I could remember. They are supposed to be supportive and willing to help and change the livelihood of ones mistakes. And be there in times of need for physical and emotional troubles one cannot learn fully on ones own. I am more alive now because I learn to lick my wounds and deal. I build my character. How hard it is to split ones mind into two separate lifestyles with finesse, but make sure it doesn’t interfere with the other. O woe is me. I rather deal with the struggles of adulthood because then I can only get mad at myself for not being responsible enough or didn‘t try hard enough.

It’s hard work being me, but I suppose it’s not as bad as the person that reads this, but don’t you get sick and tried of hearing others’ troubles? I don’t anymore because everyone has to deal and make decisions on his or her own, but me…I make choices base on how it would effect the Rents. Some choices, to them, seems like I do not think it clearly through, but that is because they wanted me to choose their way. Oh, the day I am out of this house. It will never happen until I learn to stop acting like a teenager when I am in their presents.

I come to the conclusion I am immature to the Rents because I am never good enough. Everything I do is too modern. Too American. I also, have resentment to them from my childhood that I became aware of years ago after I was out in the world of JOB. And I despise their mannerisms and their opinions because they are of people I hate. People I wish would open their eyes to new ideas even if they don’t agree. They should at least listen and consider and respect then walk on with their life with that in mind or drop it, but not present their idea as better. In truth, not one idea is better than the other. It all depends on the person and the person’s lifestyle. Their ignorance is the product of their lack of knowledge in this informative world. Oh boo on them.

Opened up my mailbox to receive something exciting and there it was, my W magazine with Victoria and David Beckham on the cover. Oh joy is me!

Something intriguing about old Posh. She’s not quite beautiful. Something about her face that is unique. Good bone structure, I am not sure. Whatever.

So what happen to the enjoyment of getting on MySpace now-a-days? Everybody seem to have lag on their pages to the point where is it frozen. Everyone used to write awesome blogs to entertain me from the start, middle, and end of my days. I am sure as hell, I haven’t done much either. Maybe I am a little tired of dressing up to look like I did not try to look good…or I am no longer creative and have anything witty to write. My observations seem to be more one sided these days. I rather keep my mouth shut.

BUT keeping my mouth shut has caused me more harm than good in the past couple of months. I have given up on making my intelligence known, or maybe I have more dumb myself down. For you see, I have spent less and less of my time with my friends because our schedules clash with me working and them with their working and schooling. (Yes, my friends are highly intelligent!) I try to change the patterns, but it seems harder to do now. I wonder if this will become the norm as the months goes on. I suppose my days will be cut short during school for every party in my life since I will be taking a work load at school. I WANT TO BE DONE.

Long awaited Harry Pottery book is coming soon! This Saturday! Yes, I will be reading. I suppose it will take me a whole day, well maybe two. Depends on how thick the book is…but that won’t matter will it? Yes, I am a dork.

Since working at STAPLES, I have felt less despressed because I am doing something this summer. Of course, less time spent with my friends, but we are all so busy. I haven't really tested the Rents and stayed out at wee hours in the morning.
Yes, I am a legal adult who can purchase tobacco and alcohol...but I am Asian.

What does that mean?

Well, to make a story short without any detail. I cannot move out of my house until I am married, and (to add more) it does not matter what age you are in a traditional Asian household, you will always be a child who cannot take care of herself. Ha!

As a teenager, I wanted nothing less than to test them and longed to move out of the house. Now, I realize that they have won. I give up until I feel like going out again. It seems that it took them five years...I will do as they please...but not to the full extent. I am an Americanized Asian, who likes the idea of being away from family and visit every once in a while like all you Americans do.

At the age of sixteen, I got a job and worked my ass off, then I stopped.
I wish I never stopped...

A Mother's LOVE

Long over due for some creative outlook. I want to create, to do something, but since the lack of funds have stopped me from going out; I learn to "live without it." It was hard to "live without it" at first, but when I know that it's for the better and I am better off, I calm myself down to believe that it's going to be fine because I will gain all that I lost in due time.
Life could be better. My significant is the better. The Rents is the could be...to make it better. I tend to do this a lot when I have a night to rethink the things that has happened during the day. I suppose it is my "historian" complex. To me and a lot of others out there. My mother is embarrassing. I cringe on the day my mom meets other people that are important in my life or will be important in my life. Let us say that I was in an important meeting and my mother was with me...she would make me lose my chances to landing a good job/career. OR I would raise my voice at her, or something in my annoyed face and voice I normally get with my mother would have a negative effect on my image I try to portray. This may seem fake, but in reality, it is another side of me, just like you. Sometimes I wonder if I am like her. Sometimes I dread becoming like her. A mother is supposed to be your hero. Your salvation. Mine is a person I do not want to become and I would not like to befriend. I must sound like disrespectful daughter...I could be. I would be if I didn't do everything she says about her friends' children.
I rather have her talk shit about me than praise me for we all know the reasons.

That was a little negative, I apologize.

A few months ago as I was looking through a Domino Magazine (it's a home decor magazine), I stumbled upon this crafty calendar that was hand made by this woman named Diana Fayt. I fell in love with it, but was too late into ordering it on line because of it's limited supply. Supply and demand...she and a few others, I suppose, made them all by hand. That's amazing...so tonight...well this early early morning, I have made my own calendar with my own hands. I step back and see that I did a not so bad job. Ah yes, I needed something to look back at and be proud of myself...I like making things. I like creating. I also like to organize.

Sometimes I look at Nancy and see what I could have become if I just kept at it. I have been decent at drawing and art. Maybe I was above average in the art classes, or at least I was noticed by my art teachers of my potential. I get above average, lose my motivation and quit as I pick up something else I want to be above average at. Another flaw of mine...I need to stick with one thing, work at it and be amazing in it THEN move on to the next project...

Well, I think more of my problem is, I want to do everything and ....whatever, I am a quitter. AND it's not as if the job or task gets hard...I just start feeling like I have mastered it enough to get by and feel I should move on. . . I can only imagine I could be GREAT at something.

I long to know what I will be great/wonder/excellent at.

sans sommeil

I have fallen into my unsleepable pattern again. It is late in the morning and I am still awake. I plan to stay up until tonight. I will not be able to get back up if I fall asleep...

Lack of sleep...

Many things have arise, well a conjunction of other things that did not matter to me until now. Number One: I have no job. Unemployment causes lack of funds, which makes lack of fun. Not much time spend with friends means no fun because I am unable to spend money on playtime/play places. With no money, I spend a lot of time with my significant other, which makes me look like a clingy girlfriend...I am not. (Wondering if this will make any sense when I have gotten some sleep).

Nostalgia:
As a child of five, I would try to make myself sleep by staring at the ceiling, talking to myself in my head. I would not say I was crazy because many of you have done it and will not admit, or you just do not remember that far back. I like to think that I had an active brain that functioned like an adult, but that idea changed, as I got older. Today, I stress about the present...as a child...I did not want to die. Yes, I remember that far back.
When young children realize they exist, and there is a difference between life and death, I didn't want to die. I wanted to live. I knew I was too young to go. I felt I was destined for something more then the ceiling of my room in the three-story apartment building. I was going to be someone great...my decedents were pieces of great people and I was the finished puzzle to attack the world. A female of all sorts. In my culture, we believe in recarnation. Females are seen as sinners and if you were one, you are guilty of the sins in your past life. This makes it harder for us to be taken seriously. So I can't give up, but want to so bad.

Summer is suppose to be carefree and fun, why don't I feel anything? Why is the "numbness" coming at me? I need motivation. I need creativity. I need something to inspire me. OR something to keep me busy. Let my mind jump from one idea to the next...not constantly thinking about things I want to happen.

I wish I wanted less.

non complet

I do not have a job nor am I going to school this summer. There is a burden that is put upon my shoulders again by myself of course. I cannot rest for I am restless. It is too late, my eyes are drowsy, but my body cannot lay and be still. When one feels incomplete, one feels like the world is against her. To me, not even a significant other makes my mind clear. He masks my internal pain and hunger because he is wonderful, but when he is not around, I soak myself in the what I did wrong in the past to have the present. I wonder at times whether I do this to myself. There is lack of things being accomplished in my life of all sorts.

Many people are above me, and starting a new beginning, while I am stuck. And I remember when it was worst, but this time there is no excuse. Neither age nor time is the blockage. I have done this to myself because of false motivation. False ideas. Lack of action. Action: verb...to do (something). So simple. Why haven't I DONE anything?

The problem I can no longer blame on the Rents. I should blame myself, but I won't. Some Thing is always the cause and my result is the effect. I lose my motivation and excitement because my feelings at present times affect my actions. The most successful are aggressive and passionate.

I am not consistent. That's my problem.