Them

Everything has to be so complicated when it comes to the life I live. Everything has to be black and white with them. Everything has to follow the guidelines when it has been outdated and they are the only ones that follow them. Even their own blood doesn’t follow the rules anymore. Why keep doing what they are doing when it’s been broken time and time again. Traditions, traditions, traditions! They should realize that life is different shades of gray.

It’s not fair to him that he follows and tries his best to conform and respect our culture, and you don’t try to even open your eyes at least once. I am as sick as you believe me. If you only knew the repression you put me through everyday of my life since I was old enough to think for myself then you will understand a bit.

This is one sided. I am extremely upset. The only way to make me feel better is a night’s rest. They haven’t given me the last straw, yet. I keep thinking that if I fight quietly, I will get through to them. It is not a war that I can ever win. I want to quit, but I do from time to time. Then regain some strength, but I get weak with the tears that females can’t control sometimes.
I wonder if I am wrong.

~~~~~
I have since calm down. Close-minded people bother me. I do not want to be like them.

Events

How do you reflect on your feelings when words cannot describe in full depth the meanings of the conjunction of events that happens to you?

How do you stop being a terrible person when all you can do is be yourself?

How do you, then, tell someone your true feelings about the events that are happening?

Answers to these questions do not fix anything. It is one of those many adventures in life that makes it inconsistent. It is when you do one thing and the outcome is to lose another, so your solutions is to keep your mouth shut. Press on. And deal.

I say time and time again, I hate the dealing and I want an end result to be the best. When I gain something I want, there is another "wanting" that causes to me to want to lose what I wanted in the first place. Comprenez-vous?

Wanting less is never going to happen…What I want now…let’s see…

I want things to calm down. I want everything to fall in it’s place whether they become something negative or not.

What I hate most is things being up in the air…this used to happen more often than not when I was younger and going through my dating phase as a teenager, of course. I hated guys not able to decide…some were trying to be “good” guys and tell me indirectly whether it be a cold shoulder or telling me they wanted to become friends. (um, thanks, disappointed, but after the first day, it doesn't matter, and the excitement for you are dead). Of course they were vain and thought that their attention for me was important when obviously I could move on faster than they could because girls can move through the opposite sex faster than guys can because apparently most guys still don’t have the guts to talk to us. (Not in a slutty way of course). Being an asshole and telling the truth of their non-interest in me was more appealing, and I wanted them to do that because then we wouldn’t be wasting each others time because I didn't plan on dying alone.
Then there are the ones that does like you, but feels that there are better out there…well okay buddy…that’s why after I realized what you were doing and we broke it off, you came back wanting another chance. Right...

Well, that rant was not what I meant in the first place when I said I wanted things to show its outcome…it involves too much information that no one can catch up unless they have time and been there from the beginning.

OH look at me, I am complaining like a teenager with my blog…well if I was to inform people about the good things in my life then I would be bragging because life is great right now.

choix

I have become immune to this type of repression ever since I could remember. They are supposed to be supportive and willing to help and change the livelihood of ones mistakes. And be there in times of need for physical and emotional troubles one cannot learn fully on ones own. I am more alive now because I learn to lick my wounds and deal. I build my character. How hard it is to split ones mind into two separate lifestyles with finesse, but make sure it doesn’t interfere with the other. O woe is me. I rather deal with the struggles of adulthood because then I can only get mad at myself for not being responsible enough or didn‘t try hard enough.

It’s hard work being me, but I suppose it’s not as bad as the person that reads this, but don’t you get sick and tried of hearing others’ troubles? I don’t anymore because everyone has to deal and make decisions on his or her own, but me…I make choices base on how it would effect the Rents. Some choices, to them, seems like I do not think it clearly through, but that is because they wanted me to choose their way. Oh, the day I am out of this house. It will never happen until I learn to stop acting like a teenager when I am in their presents.

I come to the conclusion I am immature to the Rents because I am never good enough. Everything I do is too modern. Too American. I also, have resentment to them from my childhood that I became aware of years ago after I was out in the world of JOB. And I despise their mannerisms and their opinions because they are of people I hate. People I wish would open their eyes to new ideas even if they don’t agree. They should at least listen and consider and respect then walk on with their life with that in mind or drop it, but not present their idea as better. In truth, not one idea is better than the other. It all depends on the person and the person’s lifestyle. Their ignorance is the product of their lack of knowledge in this informative world. Oh boo on them.

Opened up my mailbox to receive something exciting and there it was, my W magazine with Victoria and David Beckham on the cover. Oh joy is me!

Something intriguing about old Posh. She’s not quite beautiful. Something about her face that is unique. Good bone structure, I am not sure. Whatever.

So what happen to the enjoyment of getting on MySpace now-a-days? Everybody seem to have lag on their pages to the point where is it frozen. Everyone used to write awesome blogs to entertain me from the start, middle, and end of my days. I am sure as hell, I haven’t done much either. Maybe I am a little tired of dressing up to look like I did not try to look good…or I am no longer creative and have anything witty to write. My observations seem to be more one sided these days. I rather keep my mouth shut.

BUT keeping my mouth shut has caused me more harm than good in the past couple of months. I have given up on making my intelligence known, or maybe I have more dumb myself down. For you see, I have spent less and less of my time with my friends because our schedules clash with me working and them with their working and schooling. (Yes, my friends are highly intelligent!) I try to change the patterns, but it seems harder to do now. I wonder if this will become the norm as the months goes on. I suppose my days will be cut short during school for every party in my life since I will be taking a work load at school. I WANT TO BE DONE.

Long awaited Harry Pottery book is coming soon! This Saturday! Yes, I will be reading. I suppose it will take me a whole day, well maybe two. Depends on how thick the book is…but that won’t matter will it? Yes, I am a dork.

Since working at STAPLES, I have felt less despressed because I am doing something this summer. Of course, less time spent with my friends, but we are all so busy. I haven't really tested the Rents and stayed out at wee hours in the morning.
Yes, I am a legal adult who can purchase tobacco and alcohol...but I am Asian.

What does that mean?

Well, to make a story short without any detail. I cannot move out of my house until I am married, and (to add more) it does not matter what age you are in a traditional Asian household, you will always be a child who cannot take care of herself. Ha!

As a teenager, I wanted nothing less than to test them and longed to move out of the house. Now, I realize that they have won. I give up until I feel like going out again. It seems that it took them five years...I will do as they please...but not to the full extent. I am an Americanized Asian, who likes the idea of being away from family and visit every once in a while like all you Americans do.

At the age of sixteen, I got a job and worked my ass off, then I stopped.
I wish I never stopped...

A Mother's LOVE

Long over due for some creative outlook. I want to create, to do something, but since the lack of funds have stopped me from going out; I learn to "live without it." It was hard to "live without it" at first, but when I know that it's for the better and I am better off, I calm myself down to believe that it's going to be fine because I will gain all that I lost in due time.
Life could be better. My significant is the better. The Rents is the could be...to make it better. I tend to do this a lot when I have a night to rethink the things that has happened during the day. I suppose it is my "historian" complex. To me and a lot of others out there. My mother is embarrassing. I cringe on the day my mom meets other people that are important in my life or will be important in my life. Let us say that I was in an important meeting and my mother was with me...she would make me lose my chances to landing a good job/career. OR I would raise my voice at her, or something in my annoyed face and voice I normally get with my mother would have a negative effect on my image I try to portray. This may seem fake, but in reality, it is another side of me, just like you. Sometimes I wonder if I am like her. Sometimes I dread becoming like her. A mother is supposed to be your hero. Your salvation. Mine is a person I do not want to become and I would not like to befriend. I must sound like disrespectful daughter...I could be. I would be if I didn't do everything she says about her friends' children.
I rather have her talk shit about me than praise me for we all know the reasons.

That was a little negative, I apologize.

A few months ago as I was looking through a Domino Magazine (it's a home decor magazine), I stumbled upon this crafty calendar that was hand made by this woman named Diana Fayt. I fell in love with it, but was too late into ordering it on line because of it's limited supply. Supply and demand...she and a few others, I suppose, made them all by hand. That's amazing...so tonight...well this early early morning, I have made my own calendar with my own hands. I step back and see that I did a not so bad job. Ah yes, I needed something to look back at and be proud of myself...I like making things. I like creating. I also like to organize.

Sometimes I look at Nancy and see what I could have become if I just kept at it. I have been decent at drawing and art. Maybe I was above average in the art classes, or at least I was noticed by my art teachers of my potential. I get above average, lose my motivation and quit as I pick up something else I want to be above average at. Another flaw of mine...I need to stick with one thing, work at it and be amazing in it THEN move on to the next project...

Well, I think more of my problem is, I want to do everything and ....whatever, I am a quitter. AND it's not as if the job or task gets hard...I just start feeling like I have mastered it enough to get by and feel I should move on. . . I can only imagine I could be GREAT at something.

I long to know what I will be great/wonder/excellent at.