Love Day

I must have almost forgot, if someone didn't remind me. I am more excited about the fact of giving the kids the goodie bags I made. I have counted down, checked and rechecked the bag to make sure everyone has an equal share confroming to his and her personality, of course.

[picture of happy and engetic kids]

This year, we are not celebrating. I suppose we can do it next weekend. We can watch "Jumper" since it is out today. I don't like being the first to see a movie because it is always crowded. I hate crowds, maybe that is why I hate shopping. I still like to browse, but if I am at the store, I intend to buy something if not anything. I manage to always end up buying things for others...or my office "in-developing." I planned since this new year to "section-merge" my room into a bed/office/entertainment/dressing room. It is small...I should give up since it won't matter in two years...This will be another unfinished project.

I really should start doing the beginnings of my research paper since it will take the whole semester to be at least decent. I wish I was a better writer who people actually want to read and discuss my ideas, but that wish will have to wait as I get better. . .

Snow before V-Day

"i hear and i forget. i see and i believe. i do and i understand." - Confusius

Every time I see the name, I think it's so close to confusion that maybe he was just confused about life in general and somehow his proverbs can be made sense of thousand of years later. Translating from another language to english doesn't make everything sound better. Roughly translating loses it's purpose.

I picked up a book at Barnes & Nobles the other day. I was not looking for anything in particular, well, I decided to look for a cookbook....got it from a different books store...upon arriving home, I decided I needed to return it. I do not need it. I can look up recipes online even though it does not do the food justice. I have to make a French dish for Global Studies this semester. Fun stuff. I don't want to make them damn pancakes everyone always makes, so I decided to look up what normal French people eat...Okay, book store, another bookstore, a return...ah, yes, my original thought...I got a how to live green.

Have you heard? Green is a verb now. I decided to make a little bit of a lifestyle change...since all this change in climate is driving everyone mad...some don't care, but we hope they die first...just kidding. I think maybe if I keep this book something will click...I think it's such a burden. It is habits that are going to be hard. I started doing little things...recycling paper. I would not mind riding a bike around, but I live fifteen minutes for actual town. In any case, not driving is not an option. Paper, paper I can recycle. This new process will be also very expensive, but maybe if I do little baby steps, it will actually make sense enough to work.



It is snowing! And it is sticking! How exciting. It has been close to four years without this much snow. It is pretty pretty white. I just realize and you must think I am idiotic to say this, but the reason it is so bright outside when it is snowing is because white reflect light. Yeah, I know. I learn sometimes. Some information stays. I wonder if I will still have classes since they are later in the afternoon. Most of the snow would have melted away or the "salt-trucks" got to the snow before I get to campus....I suppose this day will have to see.

le café est la vie

Well, shit...

Ever wonder why coffee stains almost always leave a circle when it dries? I suppose clumsey-coffee drinkers notice. I, yes, am a coffee drinker. No, I do not spill...ever drop counts...for every drop is a second I gain of watchfullness (that made sense in my head).
If coffee was a drug, I would be in Coffee Heaven. Wait, it is! Just like a drug, I have to pay for it.

In Global Studies, I learn that in Cuba they chew or smoke cocaine like ciggerette smokers. Over here, we see them as drug-addicts, but to them we are "stupid pig-headed Americans"(i.e. say that with a French accent, it's fun). Maybe for outsiders studying American cultures we are addicts of unless things and luxury-fiends with nothing to show, but stuff. Or fiends whom always want to "one-up" someone elses. More like stuff we do not need.

As a mother-in-training, I did the American thing and gathered useless kiddy things for my kiddies. Valentines Day is drawing near.
It all started with Wal-Mart. (It always starts with Wal-Mart). Shopping with Mom and I see a bottled water with a pink cover. Of course I thought of H. Bear. I walked to the candy because I had a craving for some sweet stuff. Mostly, I saw V-day candy. Great...but I find a cutey heart thingy, I can't quite describe...I buy it. The weekend passes, I haven't given H. Bear the two mini gifts. Monday, I am still looking at it. Tuesday, Mom asks why I haven't given it to her. Wednesday, after class, I decided to waste some time at Target before I meet up with BS. I found myself a mini mailbox. How cute...a nice addition to my office space.




Browsing around the same area I found the mini mailbox, I stumble upon a V-day inspired min tin...hummm that would make a nice little something for H. Bear. . . she loves stickers...how about a card JC can sign along with me...she would love it. ..Now I need a bag to put the bottle water and heart "thingy" in (if you were paying attention in the beginning of my story, you would know. Slacker). Purchases. Purchases, I left.
BS and I had a couple of drinks and a little bit of food, then we were off our seperate ways.
I go home organize the things I bought for myself and H. Bear. I realized. Damn, Tay and ND, get nothing...favorism...I didn't mean to commit...Today, after first class let out, I decided to not leave Onna, Billy-Bob, Em, or Al off the list. I am still not done...5 down, two more to fill.














I am talking about the blue bags...I spent quite a bit. They will love it. I hope.
A little tingle in the pit of my stomache, you know that "aww" feeling. I love them.

Boring Trait

When the days start to lack on complaints - life begins to get a little boring and routine.

Surpises are one thing, but turn of events get a catagory of its own.

So I rather be boring now. It will keep me on track. Ready to pass through obstacles easier because then I will know what I am up against.

So had anyone seen the new Mac Air? Oh my goodness, I cried a little when I saw the promo on Apple.com. I bet you all have seen its commercial, you know the one where the model pulls the existing laptop out of the yellow enevolpe. I would be afraid, I would break it, but I know I will cherish it forever. Now is the time to save and buy my first huge purchase. I am ready for the challenge. Here I go with an unattainable goal again. Let's just see in a few months, I see that it's too hard and give up getting it and blow my money on things I can live without.

This semester hasn't been too bad. I am ready to be done.

I have decided to keep myself occupied with things I used to do last year. Somewhere along the lines, I quit doing the creative things I got bored with. I need to work on that boring trait I wish to stop.

I will soon start a puzzle...I will tell you the progress, but I rather just show you with I am finished.

commencement

Let's start from the beginning when I did not care. No plans to make for it to be ruin. No disappointments to linger in the mind. No self doubt of things could have been done better.

Then it ends and a new beginning with self realization. Unplanned almost ruined me. Disappointment of self for the end of a care. Doubts of the shoulda coulda wouldas.

It is never to late to try to change (or so "they" say, but they say that about learning to, which could be a truer statement).
I just figured since it is the new year, I should give it a try because why the hell not? I keep thinking "maybe" I could try to be someone better than who I am. Some where along the line I forgot to make myself a better person. I stayed stable and not developing or striving to be one step better or at least fail trying at it, but still manage to stand moving along.

Somewhere along the line, I quit learning and stopped seeing problems from a different perspective. Even though it was easier to look to our own mind, I started to see that if I don't see from different angles, I started to take in and believing the first I see or hear. It is harder for me to stand for something because lately there has not been anything for me to stand for. Somewhere along the line I forgot myself...not the other self that is of people and relationships, but of the myself molding and changing I used to have plenty of time for.

I could make excuses for my lack of accomplishments, but it seems that complaining was part of my problem. It was all my own doing, which kills me to believe I lost control in the course of a year. Do I no longer put myself first anymore? I used to be able to see from someone else's shoes their opinion of me was. Now, I am in a daze of confusion. Well, I was. I realized before it would become a lost cause.

upkeep

All in all, it is not going very well...

I decided to get control of the obstacles I have obtained. Next time it will be different and more organized. I do not know what I was doing wrong? Was it work? Was it play? Or was is simply me pushing things to the last minute? I know it was it was me all this time that I could have done something. Making sure I was doing the right thing at the right time.

Next time it will be different. This time I am truly serious. This time I will control my actions.
Maybe this break will help me stay organized. Stay focus on my true calling without interruptions. Without my lack of motivations. That is always my problem. My need to keep my motivation. If I just went the extra mile and do things as it says or do things at advance or even do things as it comes. I would be fine. I would be sitting on a better feeling at the end of the semester. I would be able to not worry. Last time was not too bad. I stressed. I complained. I whined for things to fall into place and it did. What is the difference between then and at this moment?

This failure has hit me like a frate train, and it has kicked me in the ass. Beaten me up to make me realize that this isn't all play anymore. This is part of a harder life to come. I stress about the things as the happen, but do nothing about it. That could be my flaw. That is my other problem...yes. Next time it will be different.

How is that I can write my organized thoughts so easily, but when it comes to the organized my thoughts to write an essay...

Je ne sais pas

My body sits here waiting...just waiting for something to happen. My work to be done, my reading to be through, my life to fall into place. I know nothing will happen unless I DO something about it! How is it that when I am in the environment of study, my motivation for fulfilling my duties are thought of over and over again. As soon as I am out of the circle of "real-life preparation," I want to push it back. I figure it is because I have other obligations to uphold and the latter does not matter as much, but I see that when time is due, I rush and over look the details...I am fucked.

I need some assistance to guide me the right direction.