non complet

I do not have a job nor am I going to school this summer. There is a burden that is put upon my shoulders again by myself of course. I cannot rest for I am restless. It is too late, my eyes are drowsy, but my body cannot lay and be still. When one feels incomplete, one feels like the world is against her. To me, not even a significant other makes my mind clear. He masks my internal pain and hunger because he is wonderful, but when he is not around, I soak myself in the what I did wrong in the past to have the present. I wonder at times whether I do this to myself. There is lack of things being accomplished in my life of all sorts.

Many people are above me, and starting a new beginning, while I am stuck. And I remember when it was worst, but this time there is no excuse. Neither age nor time is the blockage. I have done this to myself because of false motivation. False ideas. Lack of action. Action: verb...to do (something). So simple. Why haven't I DONE anything?

The problem I can no longer blame on the Rents. I should blame myself, but I won't. Some Thing is always the cause and my result is the effect. I lose my motivation and excitement because my feelings at present times affect my actions. The most successful are aggressive and passionate.

I am not consistent. That's my problem.

fardeaux

I seems to wake up everyday with a burden over my head. It could be the happens of events that happen weeks ago or the day before.

Last night, I decided to take a long over due offer and go out with my friend. I am newly turned 21 and I felt I should give the bars a chance. After last night, I will give it one more chance with my usual crowd. Walking around the streets of downtown Nashville, is not my idea of a good time. Bar hopping is not my idea of a good time. You lose your buzz and your feet hurt from walking on heels.

I am glad mon aime was there to get away from the sluttiness and corruption of Nashville night streets. We went to Steak 'n' Shake to get purity in us once again before we head home.

You can assume, I slept quite well, but I had this strange dream of a dead baby and being a woman living in the 21st century, I googled. And this is what I found

~"To see a dead baby in your dream, symbolizes the ending of something that is part of you."

~" Your Dream: dead broken neck baby
Words like neck: To dream about any neck, denotes your present feelings of jealously and resentment. It involves emotional problems involving a friend or relative.
Words like baby: Happiness. Rebirth. Trust."
(funny because an event did happen to make this true. "...emotional problems involving a friend or relative...")

(my search continues for more meanings)

~" death (someone else): To dream that someone else has died represents an end of a phase for that person before a new phase begins, or means that some aspect of your situation with that person is changing or coming to an end.

baby: To dream of a baby represents the need for self-nurturing, and responsibility for yourself. To dream that you are pregnant or that you have a baby that you don't have in real life can mean that you should pay more attention to your needs. Depending on how you feel about the baby, it can also be a symbol of taking on responsibility for someone else or that you are taking on too much responsibility. Occasionally, it can mean that you would like to have a baby or spend more time around young children.''

(so the first one was right. The end of a phrase in my life. I hope it's good)

Gravity pulls.

nécessaire adieu

Finals week is hectic. So hectic I have not been able to plan a proper adieu for my barely legal year. I wanted a party to remember by, but this will be a year of certain changes, well this semester has been a year of changes that are maybe and hopefully for the better.



This is by far my favorite picture of us. Happiness is what is says. Carefree. Joyous. THE Best to describe about the picture is, it isn't a posed picture. It happened so naturally...well we were both alittle under the influence, but it was true none the less.

mon esprit se promène

....my mind wanders...
Classes are soon to be over and the day of my birth is soon after. Everything would be the same; just that I would be able to purchase a drink whenever I'd like...with the excepts of the laws of course. This eventful spring semester has been changes that is a new path for me. Nothing that matters to anyone, but myself. Nothing has happened to me to affect anyone outside of my bubble. My search is long over and my schooling is on track. If I keep myself motivated enough, I will be done within a year...and a half.

I have grown accustom to the taste of the bittersweet coffee. I even grown to love it and NEED it. Breakfast is no longer an option because I replaced it with coffee. I have been trying my very best to start the morning off right, but it doesn't matter how early I rise. I will use all the time I have and linger on my hair, face, Internet, etc...this is a conjunction of everything, BUT not a thought for food in the morning. I suppose, I must get into the routine of things, but that would be too easy and boring. I rather not be a robot in the morning, and read as soon as I am done brushing my teeth. The news, the news, the news....

The news...is everything short of boring...it seems that I have a shield to block any unnecessary drama. (Family drama, but I have since been able to deal and live with it.) It is around me, but it has bounced away from me and towards my dear friends and friend. Not too long ago, I realized what friends I want to keep and not to keep. Within friends there are always situations that you cannot control, but more times than not, the situations could have been controlled. What I am getting at is...the friends I have found and intend to keep in my life forever are good people. And I do not know why they are having to go through with drama. As an outsider, you would say that all this unnecessary situations is for building character and helps one to get a good sense of her/himself. This is true. I agree, but what if one has a good idea of what they are as a person and what they are meant for this life time?

I need a vacation...until then I will look at his lovely face.

nouveau chapitre pour nous

I am a little embarrassed, for lack of better words. I know I have found the "wow-factor" that I have been looking for all my life. It just took long enough for both of us to get over our selfish ways and longings. Misunderstandings, bullshit, and deception from my past relationships whether they be romantic or platonic, I know to appreciate him. With all our lessons learn on our own times and ways, we can now learn from each other with ease and content. We are at the point in our lives where others cannot misguide us. For if they do, it's because we let them. Views of different ideas seem to work well and pass like each day our eyes meet. The tension of butterflies in my stomach never leaves. They stay whether I am with or without him, and also I catch my smile stay longer when I am near him. My lips quiver when we touch. I see him catching me as I fall for him. Each day that passes, his eyes connect with mine as if he is piercing to see my soul. And I know from this that he wants all of me and not just the exterior that everybody sees. He listens when I speak even if nothing, but nonsense pours out of me. He looks at me with so much interest; I do not believe it is real. The past is the past and I wait what the future holds for us. I have found something that is beyond infatuation and lust. With my doubtful concerns in the beginning (for this is nature to me), he respond with "...ever think you would be the beginning and the end of something..." Right words at the right time seems too surreal! I believe and linger to every word he says since the words are so sincere and not cliché. The end of my search and the beginning of our new chapter of a new beginning that should not end with a sorry goodbye.