Disregarded

I have neglected. Ignored. Disregarded.

Now I am sitting here, trying to figure out how to make a post on the new interface.  I suppose I will keep this blog a little bit longer.  I am still writing.  Not so much on the Internet for the few people that see, or the few that has stop coming around.  I really am not that interesting of a person.  With social media still growing and getting stronger, the idea scared me into holding back my thoughts.  Of course, I still will use this blog.  I suppose that makes me pretty boring for the fact that I don't share anything personal anymore.  I am comfortable with you not knowing me at all because I have my friends and I know who they are, and who I want to keep in my life, and the newest additions are still on trial.  I have forgot my reason for this rant of why I am back.  I might be back and then two years later post something similar to this exact post of change, renewing, etc.

Again, I don't share or I just don't know how to share about myself so the next best thing is to have opinions about things, but then you will start to know what kind of person I am.  There is no getting out of this paradox is there?  Thinks have changed since I lasted blog.  I think I stopped because no one cared.  Then again, I didn't share enough to make myself interesting.  I rather keep to myself how I feel about things as to not cause trouble because I have tried to NOT put myself in those awkward positions.

I am so far just typing what ever comes out on the top of my head and then I will edit and retype and make myself boring again. Again. And Again.

I am currently in this position of losing more and more hope.  I will never find a "Big-Girl-Job."  I am still at Staples.  It is still embarrassing I am still there.  I get embarrassed when people see me there. So if I act stand-offish, I am embarrassed or myself.  (No, it isn't low self-esteem).  Maybe I feel I am a cut above "them" (co-workers), but as I get rejected and passed over, I am like everyone else.  I am slowly just accepting the fact that I am no better than any of them.  Even though I have this expensive piece of paper I have obtained almost 2 years ago.  I am still like everyone else.  I am maybe a smaller percentage of a certain type of person, but I am still like everyone else.  My percentage is growing rapidly and I am again becoming just like everyone else with a degree.  Why I have come to this conclusion?  The majority of friends, and people I have encountered, or interacted with feel the same way.  I live in this state of Tennessee, and I feel there are no opportunities for me here.  They are all taken and I am not needed.  I have many things to hold me back.  If I was a drama-kinda person I would have lost all the things that were holding me back.

Now, it seems I have made myself sound depressing.  Great.  Well, everyone seems so happy all the time, it can't be correct.  I almost forgot how it is suppose to feel like.  No, there are no mental issues hidden within this post.  I think that's the mood, I have been in.  I am never close enough to be happy.  I feel if I fix this one thing (financial).  I will be happier.  People say that money isn't happiness, or it isn't everything, or family is all that matters...there are more sayings. ( I have never really been a I-Love-Quotes kind of girl so I don't remember a good one).  Well, when you can't feed your family or give them things they need, they can be taken away or die.  Morbid?  I know.  Some people want to find themselves or explore the world.  I have done enough for the time being...I just want to stop dreaming and just be an adult.  A boring adult that gets vaction pay, insurance, and a 401k plan.  THEN I can give all that up and start dreaming again. 

And there is another point, why is it that the hardest working person gets nothing while the idiot of all idiots gets everything they desire.  I guess, I feel, well I was told all wrong.  I was told, if I was to study hard and become one brilliant young woman, the world will be my oyster...I was misinformed.  I should of been someone else...maybe someone more ambitious or less?  Just someone else.  Someone more accepting and content.  Someone not me. 

I will have a brighter post in the future.  Maybe when I become someone else I do not recognize.

-k.s.

december, december a day to remember

The last month of the year. Long awaited need for change to make myself to become a better happy person, again. Long overdue. I have become this angry person I do not recognize anymore. Losing sleep over what does not matter. Blaming others and myself for what I cannot control. I used to be a be-and-let-it-be kind of person. Somewhere in the shuffle, I have lost myself. On the outside, I want to believe that I have kept this secret to myself, but the walls are caving in and I cannot take the pressure of always nodding my head to every word and sealing my lips even though I have things to say that matter. With constant fear that it will change your perspective of me, I digress. I move on with a burden that picks away at my feelings, then I become an angry, impatient person. The solution to my problem. I must become less angry. Now to start. Things that make happy. I begin my list.



Pretty notebooks help make lists, which calms my nerves.

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Je suis triste

I used to write like I breath.
I had obsessions, yearnings, and ambition.

Years passed, I wrote less, and absorbed myself in social networks in order to seem connected, but KNOWING that being in the same room with them meant so much more to me.

It is always nice to see what your friends are doing with their life. Who needs a reunion when you have Facebook.

Let's admit it. It's a place to showoff and promote ourselves. It's a place to share and show our excitement, frustration, and even sadness.
Then there are lines drawn where you do not know or can tell who has a more eventful life. Could it be maybe that people who are less active online can have more fulfillment in REAL life? Or being able to document one's life online is the whole point of actually living it? I don't know anymore. I simply am indifferent to it all. Je suis triste.

I been revisiting old outlooks in order to fine my strive again...let the rediscovery begin.

I miss my sister

Decided to do this...let's try it out Nance!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j2PmmeqIZRQ

flash flood

Surviving the May 1st Flash Flood was the biggest accomplishment I have done this weekend. Term papers is not what I consider an accomplishment. I am glad it is done, but there is an extra day that is postponed. All my exams that were suppose to be for Monday is moved to Friday because it is day 2, and still rain. I suppose I can enjoy my birthday now, but I just wanted it to be over and done with by Tuesday.

The rain has stopped me from doing much of anything. It was crazy how the clouds were above us and it moved towards the northeast of Middle Tennessee. Areas around Smyrna and Nashville got a pretty big hit.

I was supposed to witness a Baptism today in the morning, but I had to miss it. Rain, again stopped me from doing anything. I never seen one and I really wanted to experience it like everyone has.

Instead, I slept in, ate pho at my aunt's house, and changed my templates for this blog and making a travel blog. I kinda want my close friends and family to have this experience with me AND if I completely stop updating my blog or facebook status, than it could mean, Europe is not as exciting as everyone said it is OR I have been kidnapped and killed.

With this built up of stress of school, work, and going away, I have developed this annoying twitch in my left eye. How do I stop this? I have had it before, but this time it goes in and out instead of up and down. Let's hope by Friday, I will stop and have one thing to think about.

Tomorrow is my 24th birthday. I hope someone buys me lunch and dinner.

Postit

I found this...

"when things lack of complications, life gets a little more boring and routine. Surprises are one thing, but turn-of-events gets a category of its own...so I rather be boring now than regret it later."

I am not sure when I wrote this or what I was going through, but it is very interesting. What happened to me? I am not the same person several years ago...not a terrible person, just different...almost becoming more selfish...finding this random post-it has encouraged me to gather all my past journals from 1998 to 2006. I seemed to stop at 2006...

Flipping through some of the entries, I remember a quote from Virginia Woolf (I believe, and I am paraphrasing).

"...women who write have too much emotions..."

I am going to take a day and actually read through all of them as to reflect and see where I have lost my more brighter self. In the past, I used to look back at these entries as a way to keep myself sane and to remind myself of my dreams because I knew I was going to forget them as I became an adult. I have a different mindset now. I have been trained to figure out beyond what the words mean in historic diaries. This will be an easier task since I (hopefully) can remember the events that leads me to write with such emotions.

I long to have those terrible emotions again so I have the ability to write. Only when I am content and indifferent, I have NOTHING to write. Truth be told, I want to write something, I just can remember the important details that make a story a story. Maybe going to France will be new perspective and I will regain the ability to write again even if it is only about the fancy cuisine.

-k.sayavong