Boring Trait

When the days start to lack on complaints - life begins to get a little boring and routine.

Surpises are one thing, but turn of events get a catagory of its own.

So I rather be boring now. It will keep me on track. Ready to pass through obstacles easier because then I will know what I am up against.

So had anyone seen the new Mac Air? Oh my goodness, I cried a little when I saw the promo on Apple.com. I bet you all have seen its commercial, you know the one where the model pulls the existing laptop out of the yellow enevolpe. I would be afraid, I would break it, but I know I will cherish it forever. Now is the time to save and buy my first huge purchase. I am ready for the challenge. Here I go with an unattainable goal again. Let's just see in a few months, I see that it's too hard and give up getting it and blow my money on things I can live without.

This semester hasn't been too bad. I am ready to be done.

I have decided to keep myself occupied with things I used to do last year. Somewhere along the lines, I quit doing the creative things I got bored with. I need to work on that boring trait I wish to stop.

I will soon start a puzzle...I will tell you the progress, but I rather just show you with I am finished.

commencement

Let's start from the beginning when I did not care. No plans to make for it to be ruin. No disappointments to linger in the mind. No self doubt of things could have been done better.

Then it ends and a new beginning with self realization. Unplanned almost ruined me. Disappointment of self for the end of a care. Doubts of the shoulda coulda wouldas.

It is never to late to try to change (or so "they" say, but they say that about learning to, which could be a truer statement).
I just figured since it is the new year, I should give it a try because why the hell not? I keep thinking "maybe" I could try to be someone better than who I am. Some where along the line I forgot to make myself a better person. I stayed stable and not developing or striving to be one step better or at least fail trying at it, but still manage to stand moving along.

Somewhere along the line, I quit learning and stopped seeing problems from a different perspective. Even though it was easier to look to our own mind, I started to see that if I don't see from different angles, I started to take in and believing the first I see or hear. It is harder for me to stand for something because lately there has not been anything for me to stand for. Somewhere along the line I forgot myself...not the other self that is of people and relationships, but of the myself molding and changing I used to have plenty of time for.

I could make excuses for my lack of accomplishments, but it seems that complaining was part of my problem. It was all my own doing, which kills me to believe I lost control in the course of a year. Do I no longer put myself first anymore? I used to be able to see from someone else's shoes their opinion of me was. Now, I am in a daze of confusion. Well, I was. I realized before it would become a lost cause.

upkeep

All in all, it is not going very well...

I decided to get control of the obstacles I have obtained. Next time it will be different and more organized. I do not know what I was doing wrong? Was it work? Was it play? Or was is simply me pushing things to the last minute? I know it was it was me all this time that I could have done something. Making sure I was doing the right thing at the right time.

Next time it will be different. This time I am truly serious. This time I will control my actions.
Maybe this break will help me stay organized. Stay focus on my true calling without interruptions. Without my lack of motivations. That is always my problem. My need to keep my motivation. If I just went the extra mile and do things as it says or do things at advance or even do things as it comes. I would be fine. I would be sitting on a better feeling at the end of the semester. I would be able to not worry. Last time was not too bad. I stressed. I complained. I whined for things to fall into place and it did. What is the difference between then and at this moment?

This failure has hit me like a frate train, and it has kicked me in the ass. Beaten me up to make me realize that this isn't all play anymore. This is part of a harder life to come. I stress about the things as the happen, but do nothing about it. That could be my flaw. That is my other problem...yes. Next time it will be different.

How is that I can write my organized thoughts so easily, but when it comes to the organized my thoughts to write an essay...

Je ne sais pas

My body sits here waiting...just waiting for something to happen. My work to be done, my reading to be through, my life to fall into place. I know nothing will happen unless I DO something about it! How is it that when I am in the environment of study, my motivation for fulfilling my duties are thought of over and over again. As soon as I am out of the circle of "real-life preparation," I want to push it back. I figure it is because I have other obligations to uphold and the latter does not matter as much, but I see that when time is due, I rush and over look the details...I am fucked.

I need some assistance to guide me the right direction.

a fight worth fighting?

I feel that this is all a waste of time. Time and time again, I question if all this hard work is worth the effort I put into it? I am here trying to live everyday with the rules they have for me. It's just been causing me to give up and say fuck it and want to leave. Oh, how easy that everything works out. I am still a little bitter from the request that was decline so abruptly without one ounce of consideration. I tend to hold a grudge, I tend to act as if I was a child. I cannot help the fact that the world gives me more respect than they do. How sad that the people that are suppose to support you in every way seem to lack the one that matters the most. Because of them I am never going to be able to support myself. Because of them, nothing was the slight bit happy in my awkward stages. Because of them, I can look at expression and understand what the person is feeling. Because of them, I am careful who I become friends with. Because of them I have stayed out of trouble from the law. Because of them I have a roof over my head. Because of their non-American rules, I will live my life to the fullest when I am able to just live and let live.

School...

Autunno Joli

Eating when one is not hungry can have dyer conquences. Learning French, writing like a historian, reading, and seeing into minds...this is all I am doing for this semester. I can sense it being very demanding and hectic. I am behind on my reading and work. I need to get with it before it's too late. I rather do good this semester. I run on coffee.

Them

Everything has to be so complicated when it comes to the life I live. Everything has to be black and white with them. Everything has to follow the guidelines when it has been outdated and they are the only ones that follow them. Even their own blood doesn’t follow the rules anymore. Why keep doing what they are doing when it’s been broken time and time again. Traditions, traditions, traditions! They should realize that life is different shades of gray.

It’s not fair to him that he follows and tries his best to conform and respect our culture, and you don’t try to even open your eyes at least once. I am as sick as you believe me. If you only knew the repression you put me through everyday of my life since I was old enough to think for myself then you will understand a bit.

This is one sided. I am extremely upset. The only way to make me feel better is a night’s rest. They haven’t given me the last straw, yet. I keep thinking that if I fight quietly, I will get through to them. It is not a war that I can ever win. I want to quit, but I do from time to time. Then regain some strength, but I get weak with the tears that females can’t control sometimes.
I wonder if I am wrong.

~~~~~
I have since calm down. Close-minded people bother me. I do not want to be like them.