thèmes

Reminded there is not a distance from any destination. The life we live...why do some just KNOW where they want to be, want to do, and how to live? Goals. A learned trait to pick one that is easier to accomplish in a short period of time.

I shall start with my bedroom/office/living space.

Time of non-reflection

Life should be filled with realization, but what happens when you feel you have learned enough in this stage of life? It seems my life is at a stand still while life is still happening. No, I do not feel the world revolves around me. I know that the world revolves around no one, but EVERYONE. My theory is when the majority of the people in this world is moving in a fast pace, I lag and I am unable to catch up. It seems I am so far behind, there is no way for me to get next to the last person. The only thing I can do is get in the right path, but right when I am doing what I am suppose to do, I lose my motivation. Yes, my flaw in life is my short term motivation. It will be the death of me
I hate questions involving where I will be in five years. I have a plan, but I do not state every step; let me just go on without a demand to understand where my life will lead. The only person I disappoint is myself: I do not want you to get your hopes up. One of us is enough to feel that way.

I feel better since I have finished this semester. Now, I await the grades to come in. I do not even want to see. Every semester I am in fear that I will fail. I CANNOT fail any class! I have this stigma where I might as well give up if I fail.

-k.sayavong

bon

This was supposed to be my year, of newfound leadership and responsibility. Since then, I have been the same unorganized, broke, and procrastinator among many. The lazy good-for-nothing student that does what it takes to make it “alright.” I seem to always go the first week broke without books and when I finally get money to buy books the following week, then instead of reading, I am out and about with my friends, wasting away money I should be saving to head out of the Rent’s house. They will not be happy, but they seem to be less about me and more about making money in the agricultural business nowadays. I am hoping with all my fingers and toes cross, I will get through this semester without any down fall, but it seems with the rate I am going, I should be more grounded and say no when people ask me to leave the confines of my mini office. I wander off into nothing, but more debt. I wonder how am I to live on my own if I am constantly living from paycheck to paycheck? I realize that I am in my early twenties, but even with the stereotypical place I should be in, I want more. I want to be able to stand on my own two feet. For years I have been blaming my shortcomings to everyone else (The Rents) except for myself. I learn through trial and error, it has always been my choice. I have always chosen the easy carefree way from the “real world.” Letting mommy and daddy take care of all the finances, which has stopped me from leaving…oh there I go again blaming. In a more worldly view, it is my fault as much as the Rents because of their control of situation and my rebellion strike that would give in when I cannot afford the thing I want and not need.

Change of subject; I have actually been keeping up with the Republic National Convention this week as I was last week with the Democratic. I have made my choice, and I will not be swayed, but I do still want to know both sides this time. I been keeping up with current events again.

I am more content now that I have left Staples. I think the store was making me an angry person because I was fed up with many of the management going on and I didn’t feel like I had the right to say anything even though I was there for a year and a half. Maybe it was the fact that I was not promoted right away like I did in many of my previous jobs…okay maybe two; one for management and the other for more responsibility. I just felt like I needed to have people under me when I know how to do pretty much everything, except for what I needed to be trained for. I work at Lenny’s, oh, I surly need to change my status on facebook..., I am still in the process of training, but I think I got the gist of everything…hopefully (fingers-crossed).
-k. sayavong

faux encouragement

Ever had the feeling that friends tend to be nice to you when things could only get worst. And their sense of encouragement is what makes us want to cry even more because they are lying and there is no way in hell they actually believe and/or have faith in you.

In cases I rather not mention in specific detail, I am not a sports-girl or a sports fanatic. I will join in with the fun, but I am nothing, but mediocre. I play to play, to fit in, to be in the crowd. All this time of joining in, I have never once had anyone join me in my idea of enjoyment. Do not get what is typed wrong. I enjoy running around, getting a little dirty, and end up with battle wounds towards the end. I would much rather discuss what the events that make us human. What changes occur to make us believe such things as love and lost. What encourages us everyday we wake, to face the world. I have ideas. I have images I can create. I read for enjoyment. I learn just to learn because we should be constantly learning.

On a personal note, I am getting determined to want to move out, but always and forever, my upbringing stops me from saving myself. I never do it. I am an a coward to you, but an obediant daugther to them. I am to remain a child. Very sad indeed, but if there was another option I will take it, which would make both sides happy. But I digress.

Hope others' lives are more fantastical this summer. Here's to you.

Time goes on

This week, oh this week.

I seem to have this inablity to get along with the Rents. I seem to slowly ignore their wishes with the utmost disrespect and I do not care anymore. Well, I am lying. I still care for I am still living under their roof. I am still grasping for air at this point. I wish they would go to the farm more often so I could be alone and without them for a while. I rather like being alone from time to time. Never have to mind the other person if your action is unfavorable to them. If food was meant to be cooked outside, there would have been this permanent kitchen extending to the outdoors. I digress.

Work is work, school is non-existent. Social life is steady. Alone time is sparse. Reading is never to be seen since the semester ended.

I got the new Jason Mraz CD a week ago. And my oh my it is entertaining. It seems like he went back to his old style but kept what he learn throughout his travels. If you like artist like John Meyer and Jack Johnson. I recommend him highly.

We went to Six Flags last weekend also, Haley had fun. Me and Jeremy not so much.

I have been more than awake this week. I feel that I could sleep forever and a day...make it a week. Tomorrow is Dad Day, we get Haley. I do not have anything for Jeremy. I wish I made money or saved more to spend like I used to so I can surprise him like he used to surprise me.

Yesterday night, I went to a Sex Party. Girls only. It was fun.

Tonight, is work. Maybe if time allows me I will get to see Jeremy. *fingers crossed*

simplement silencieux

Life has become simple for the time being.

The Rents are off to Rockford, IL here in a few hours. They are to be gone the whole weekend, but more than likely they will be back Sunday morning. I always thought it was a waste of time to drive 8 to 10 hours somewhere and stay two days and one full night. I decided not to go with them for several reasons...I rather not be in the car with them for 10 hours, and I rather make money to pay off what I have already spent and then some.

I recently quit biting my nails. This may come to a shock to all, but I have to oral fixation of a habit with my finger tips to my mouth. I have been doing it for as long as I can remember. Since May is my birthday month, I decided it was time to quit. It took a lot of slapping my own mouth, but I manage to go three weeks without it. Next thing, my other oral fixation...smoking. I really hate it. When I have a headache it makes it worst. When drinking a couple, I have to leave and step outside to have a good inhaleing. Usually alone because many of my friends did not give in to the advertisements and such that would makethem become the likes of my kind. I just need to stop, but I do not want to give it up so soon. I tell myself I want to quit when I get preganant, but I see that I should quit sooner than that. Since I was 17...we will see how I do when I do decide to quit cold turkey.

Lately, I have been frustated. Frustated that the Rents are unable to take care of their own well being. I must take care of everything that comes their way. I know that if they both actually went to college or actually finished American high school, they would have never met each other because my mother would probably marry a white male and my father marry...well, he would be in the same relationship he is in now with my mom. The woman takes care of all the money that comes in and out of the household. I disgress.

Lately, I have been calm and sick. Sickness. I am so tired. I cannot breathe from time to time. I cough to the point of making myself gag. I can't smoke because it hurts to swallow because I eat two ciggerettes and smoke one. Tis the reason I go through them so quick...

The end.

Fait d'être soucieux Juste

My birthday as come and gone.

It's true what they say after you reach that 21st mark, the year after becomes another day.

Lately, I been in the mood for organization. I reestablished my library. I see it has grown over the years, and my taste changed as well. Reading was a form of entertainment. Now, it is enjoyment mixed with information.

Next conquest is all my papers here and there in the dreaded filing cabinet!

Now, I have gotten lazy with this thing called updating online. I don't take as much pictures of my loves as often as I used to; including me. I have grown bored of myself, but I see others still full of themselves. Maybe I should be like everyone else and show the world how great my life is. I don't have anything to show off, but my outlook on life. I want to relive how I did with a little bit more nostalgia. I will brag and I will boost like the rest and become a picture-whore. Or I can stay anti-social on the Internet. But then again, this is the month that made me one month older so you will see more of me.

School has been over, I have been working quite a bit, but it doesn't seem like I work at all. I tend to lock myself in the cash office and count money...well take my time counting money because I can. And since none of the mgr will do it, I will take my time perfecting my craft of counting 20's my twos and counting my change like a whiz-kid. Tomorrow will be another day, another dollar.

My current motion is sitting and trying my hardest to breathe calmly, but it seems the allergy monster has gotten the best of me, but I will not give up. I will drug myself and trick this fend into hibernation because I don't want to deal with its annoyance any longer.