Life has become simple for the time being.
The Rents are off to Rockford, IL here in a few hours. They are to be gone the whole weekend, but more than likely they will be back Sunday morning. I always thought it was a waste of time to drive 8 to 10 hours somewhere and stay two days and one full night. I decided not to go with them for several reasons...I rather not be in the car with them for 10 hours, and I rather make money to pay off what I have already spent and then some.
I recently quit biting my nails. This may come to a shock to all, but I have to oral fixation of a habit with my finger tips to my mouth. I have been doing it for as long as I can remember. Since May is my birthday month, I decided it was time to quit. It took a lot of slapping my own mouth, but I manage to go three weeks without it. Next thing, my other oral fixation...smoking. I really hate it. When I have a headache it makes it worst. When drinking a couple, I have to leave and step outside to have a good inhaleing. Usually alone because many of my friends did not give in to the advertisements and such that would makethem become the likes of my kind. I just need to stop, but I do not want to give it up so soon. I tell myself I want to quit when I get preganant, but I see that I should quit sooner than that. Since I was 17...we will see how I do when I do decide to quit cold turkey.
Lately, I have been frustated. Frustated that the Rents are unable to take care of their own well being. I must take care of everything that comes their way. I know that if they both actually went to college or actually finished American high school, they would have never met each other because my mother would probably marry a white male and my father marry...well, he would be in the same relationship he is in now with my mom. The woman takes care of all the money that comes in and out of the household. I disgress.
Lately, I have been calm and sick. Sickness. I am so tired. I cannot breathe from time to time. I cough to the point of making myself gag. I can't smoke because it hurts to swallow because I eat two ciggerettes and smoke one. Tis the reason I go through them so quick...
The end.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Monday, May 12, 2008
Fait d'être soucieux Juste
My birthday as come and gone.
It's true what they say after you reach that 21st mark, the year after becomes another day.
Lately, I been in the mood for organization. I reestablished my library. I see it has grown over the years, and my taste changed as well. Reading was a form of entertainment. Now, it is enjoyment mixed with information.
Next conquest is all my papers here and there in the dreaded filing cabinet!
Now, I have gotten lazy with this thing called updating online. I don't take as much pictures of my loves as often as I used to; including me. I have grown bored of myself, but I see others still full of themselves. Maybe I should be like everyone else and show the world how great my life is. I don't have anything to show off, but my outlook on life. I want to relive how I did with a little bit more nostalgia. I will brag and I will boost like the rest and become a picture-whore. Or I can stay anti-social on the Internet. But then again, this is the month that made me one month older so you will see more of me.
School has been over, I have been working quite a bit, but it doesn't seem like I work at all. I tend to lock myself in the cash office and count money...well take my time counting money because I can. And since none of the mgr will do it, I will take my time perfecting my craft of counting 20's my twos and counting my change like a whiz-kid. Tomorrow will be another day, another dollar.
My current motion is sitting and trying my hardest to breathe calmly, but it seems the allergy monster has gotten the best of me, but I will not give up. I will drug myself and trick this fend into hibernation because I don't want to deal with its annoyance any longer.
It's true what they say after you reach that 21st mark, the year after becomes another day.
Lately, I been in the mood for organization. I reestablished my library. I see it has grown over the years, and my taste changed as well. Reading was a form of entertainment. Now, it is enjoyment mixed with information.
Next conquest is all my papers here and there in the dreaded filing cabinet!
Now, I have gotten lazy with this thing called updating online. I don't take as much pictures of my loves as often as I used to; including me. I have grown bored of myself, but I see others still full of themselves. Maybe I should be like everyone else and show the world how great my life is. I don't have anything to show off, but my outlook on life. I want to relive how I did with a little bit more nostalgia. I will brag and I will boost like the rest and become a picture-whore. Or I can stay anti-social on the Internet. But then again, this is the month that made me one month older so you will see more of me.
School has been over, I have been working quite a bit, but it doesn't seem like I work at all. I tend to lock myself in the cash office and count money...well take my time counting money because I can. And since none of the mgr will do it, I will take my time perfecting my craft of counting 20's my twos and counting my change like a whiz-kid. Tomorrow will be another day, another dollar.
My current motion is sitting and trying my hardest to breathe calmly, but it seems the allergy monster has gotten the best of me, but I will not give up. I will drug myself and trick this fend into hibernation because I don't want to deal with its annoyance any longer.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
m'améliorer
I forgot I own a book about Buddhism. To get into the mindset of the past Laos New Year, I decided to improve once again, and go back to what I was going a long time ago. So I see that I have not been following the "eight golden rules" of Buddhism. I suppose I will think about each one and see how I can change, improve, or focus more into it. Maybe it's my historian-in-training trait, but I will probably analyze to the point where nothing is left to do, and that is not the way Buddhist should do things. I don't think I try hard enough to practice my faith. Too much of the same problems arise every year...well two times a year...every semester...Time...I waste is too often.
Now for the first of the Noble Eightfold Path:
1.) Right Understanding
Now, what is that? What is there to understand? I will work backwards.
8.) Right Concentration
A bit easier to understand. What should I concentrate on? School? Getting the right kind of grades so I can study abroad next year? Yes, that sounds easy enough, but I think about how to achieve that. From the beginning of change, I will start with my time management. The times I let my mind wander into a different world then I lose my focus: my goal. First thing is first, clean my living space inside and out so I have better access to my basic needs for this century. I have tried organizing. I got myself a filing cabinet to put my important papers in the right file. I realize that I have too many misc., which does not fit into any of the categories I originally planned. Long story short, I end up having one piece of paper in each file. I am terrible. I see my demise and gave up, called my friends and had a drink. OK, so right concentration is easier said than done.
I realize the teachings are not in depth as I went on. Right Concentration is basically the meditation part of the Eightfold Path. I am using my interuptation for me and not anyone elses.
BUT maybe I should meditate.
Now for the first of the Noble Eightfold Path:
1.) Right Understanding
Now, what is that? What is there to understand? I will work backwards.
8.) Right Concentration
A bit easier to understand. What should I concentrate on? School? Getting the right kind of grades so I can study abroad next year? Yes, that sounds easy enough, but I think about how to achieve that. From the beginning of change, I will start with my time management. The times I let my mind wander into a different world then I lose my focus: my goal. First thing is first, clean my living space inside and out so I have better access to my basic needs for this century. I have tried organizing. I got myself a filing cabinet to put my important papers in the right file. I realize that I have too many misc., which does not fit into any of the categories I originally planned. Long story short, I end up having one piece of paper in each file. I am terrible. I see my demise and gave up, called my friends and had a drink. OK, so right concentration is easier said than done.
I realize the teachings are not in depth as I went on. Right Concentration is basically the meditation part of the Eightfold Path. I am using my interuptation for me and not anyone elses.
BUT maybe I should meditate.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
when the world comes to an end
I realize I have been walking in circles avoiding the truth. I should grow out of this skin, this comfort zone and get up and do something about this. I see that my future can be more enjoyable if I put forth the actual effort the outcome will be.
The semester is almost over. This big hump is about done. I have yet to sign up for my class. I am still a DAMN Junior and I didn't know I was suppose to be on the computer looking for my class on the 11th. It is now the 16th; yes, I am a little late. I suppose I keep thinking I am going to fail and bring dishonor to the family. They put too much investment into this, and I am wondering about waiting for someone to take care of everything. Letting everything fall into place. Don't I know that I need to do something about this on my own?! I need a big slap in the face from someone other than the Rents. Their words do not like to register into my brain.
I talked to minor advisor and yet to do the same with my advisor...I am a little embarrass from time to time because I do not have a concrete plan for myself. I need to stop and organize.
The semester is almost over. This big hump is about done. I have yet to sign up for my class. I am still a DAMN Junior and I didn't know I was suppose to be on the computer looking for my class on the 11th. It is now the 16th; yes, I am a little late. I suppose I keep thinking I am going to fail and bring dishonor to the family. They put too much investment into this, and I am wondering about waiting for someone to take care of everything. Letting everything fall into place. Don't I know that I need to do something about this on my own?! I need a big slap in the face from someone other than the Rents. Their words do not like to register into my brain.
I talked to minor advisor and yet to do the same with my advisor...I am a little embarrass from time to time because I do not have a concrete plan for myself. I need to stop and organize.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Sunday, March 2, 2008
just like the movies
When a wreck happens in a movie, everything is in slow motion until the car actually hits. It is for affect. Yes, I was in movie or reality. I got into a wreck Saturday. My head hurts. My body is sore like I have been running a mile non-stop. Soreness.
First thing that came out of my mouth...
"I am in SO much trouble."
Brighter note: Spring Break is here. This is what I do in class anyways...
I finished my puzzle.
I started reading "Tulipomania" by Mike Dash. It's okay so far. The history of the tulip around the world...it's more to it than that. I rather finish the book and develop my own opinion until then, I will entertain. I thought it was quite clever.
"The first something to be implied by all the nothing," he said, "was in fact two somethings, who were God and Satan. God was male. Satan was female. They implied each other, and hence were peers in the emerging power struture, which was itself nothing but an implication. Power was implied by weakness."
"God created the heaven and the earth," the old, long-out-of-point science fiction writer went on. "And the earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. Satan could have done this herself, but she thought it was stupid, action for the sake of action. What was the point? She didn't say anything at first.
"But Satan began to worry about God when He said, 'Let there be light,' and there was light. She had to wonder, 'What the heck does He think He's doing? How far does He intend to go, and does He expect me to help Him take care of all this crazy stuff?'
"And then the shit really hit the fan. God made man and woman, beautiful little miniatures of Him and her, and turned them loose to see what might become of them. The Garden of Eden," said Trout, "might be considered the prototype for the Colosseum and the Roman Games."
"Satan," he said, "couldn't undo anything God had done. She could at least try to make existence for His little toys less painful. She could see what He couldn't: To be alive was to be either bored or scared stiff. So she filled an apple with all sorts of ideas that might at least relieve the boredom, such as rules for games with cards and dice, and how to fuck, and recipes for beer and wine and whiskey, and pictures of different plants there were smokable, and so on. And instructions on how to make music and sing and dance real crazy, real sexy. And how to spout blasphemy when they stubbed their toes.
"Satan had a serpent give Eve the apple. Eve took a bite and handed it to Adam. He took a bite, and then they fucked."
[Kurt Vonnegut "Timequake" 28-30]
First thing that came out of my mouth...
"I am in SO much trouble."
Brighter note: Spring Break is here. This is what I do in class anyways...
I finished my puzzle.
I started reading "Tulipomania" by Mike Dash. It's okay so far. The history of the tulip around the world...it's more to it than that. I rather finish the book and develop my own opinion until then, I will entertain. I thought it was quite clever.
"The first something to be implied by all the nothing," he said, "was in fact two somethings, who were God and Satan. God was male. Satan was female. They implied each other, and hence were peers in the emerging power struture, which was itself nothing but an implication. Power was implied by weakness."
"God created the heaven and the earth," the old, long-out-of-point science fiction writer went on. "And the earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. Satan could have done this herself, but she thought it was stupid, action for the sake of action. What was the point? She didn't say anything at first.
"But Satan began to worry about God when He said, 'Let there be light,' and there was light. She had to wonder, 'What the heck does He think He's doing? How far does He intend to go, and does He expect me to help Him take care of all this crazy stuff?'
"And then the shit really hit the fan. God made man and woman, beautiful little miniatures of Him and her, and turned them loose to see what might become of them. The Garden of Eden," said Trout, "might be considered the prototype for the Colosseum and the Roman Games."
"Satan," he said, "couldn't undo anything God had done. She could at least try to make existence for His little toys less painful. She could see what He couldn't: To be alive was to be either bored or scared stiff. So she filled an apple with all sorts of ideas that might at least relieve the boredom, such as rules for games with cards and dice, and how to fuck, and recipes for beer and wine and whiskey, and pictures of different plants there were smokable, and so on. And instructions on how to make music and sing and dance real crazy, real sexy. And how to spout blasphemy when they stubbed their toes.
"Satan had a serpent give Eve the apple. Eve took a bite and handed it to Adam. He took a bite, and then they fucked."
[Kurt Vonnegut "Timequake" 28-30]
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
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