I have neglected. Ignored. Disregarded.
Now I am sitting here, trying to figure out how to make a post on the new interface. I suppose I will keep this blog a little bit longer. I am still writing. Not so much on the Internet for the few people that see, or the few that has stop coming around. I really am not that interesting of a person. With social media still growing and getting stronger, the idea scared me into holding back my thoughts. Of course, I still will use this blog. I suppose that makes me pretty boring for the fact that I don't share anything personal anymore. I am comfortable with you not knowing me at all because I have my friends and I know who they are, and who I want to keep in my life, and the newest additions are still on trial. I have forgot my reason for this rant of why I am back. I might be back and then two years later post something similar to this exact post of change, renewing, etc.
Again, I don't share or I just don't know how to share about myself so the next best thing is to have opinions about things, but then you will start to know what kind of person I am. There is no getting out of this paradox is there? Thinks have changed since I lasted blog. I think I stopped because no one cared. Then again, I didn't share enough to make myself interesting. I rather keep to myself how I feel about things as to not cause trouble because I have tried to NOT put myself in those awkward positions.
I am so far just typing what ever comes out on the top of my head and then I will edit and retype and make myself boring again. Again. And Again.
I am currently in this position of losing more and more hope. I will never find a "Big-Girl-Job." I am still at Staples. It is still embarrassing I am still there. I get embarrassed when people see me there. So if I act stand-offish, I am embarrassed or myself. (No, it isn't low self-esteem). Maybe I feel I am a cut above "them" (co-workers), but as I get rejected and passed over, I am like everyone else. I am slowly just accepting the fact that I am no better than any of them. Even though I have this expensive piece of paper I have obtained almost 2 years ago. I am still like everyone else. I am maybe a smaller percentage of a certain type of person, but I am still like everyone else. My percentage is growing rapidly and I am again becoming just like everyone else with a degree. Why I have come to this conclusion? The majority of friends, and people I have encountered, or interacted with feel the same way. I live in this state of Tennessee, and I feel there are no opportunities for me here. They are all taken and I am not needed. I have many things to hold me back. If I was a drama-kinda person I would have lost all the things that were holding me back.
Now, it seems I have made myself sound depressing. Great. Well, everyone seems so happy all the time, it can't be correct. I almost forgot how it is suppose to feel like. No, there are no mental issues hidden within this post. I think that's the mood, I have been in. I am never close enough to be happy. I feel if I fix this one thing (financial). I will be happier. People say that money isn't happiness, or it isn't everything, or family is all that matters...there are more sayings. ( I have never really been a I-Love-Quotes kind of girl so I don't remember a good one). Well, when you can't feed your family or give them things they need, they can be taken away or die. Morbid? I know. Some people want to find themselves or explore the world. I have done enough for the time being...I just want to stop dreaming and just be an adult. A boring adult that gets vaction pay, insurance, and a 401k plan. THEN I can give all that up and start dreaming again.
And there is another point, why is it that the hardest working person gets nothing while the idiot of all idiots gets everything they desire. I guess, I feel, well I was told all wrong. I was told, if I was to study hard and become one brilliant young woman, the world will be my oyster...I was misinformed. I should of been someone else...maybe someone more ambitious or less? Just someone else. Someone more accepting and content. Someone not me.
I will have a brighter post in the future. Maybe when I become someone else I do not recognize.
-k.s.
